


Don't Fade Away

by ladybonehollows



Category: Green Creek Series - T.J. Klune
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Canon-Typical Violence, Carter Bennett's Canonically Huge Dick, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Heartsong, Rituals, Sharing a Bed, Smut, coming home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:47:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 45,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22216519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladybonehollows/pseuds/ladybonehollows
Summary: "Go. The fuck. Home," Gavin snarled.I had wondered if I would even recognise him. I'd only seen him in his human form for a few minutes, out by the lake in Caswell. I'd wondered if my memory had distorted his face over time. Made his eyes harder than they were, the angle of his jaw stronger. But I recognised him instantly — without the scent, without that memory that I'd grasped onto with both hands no matter how much it hurt, I still would have known him anywhere."Hey," I breathed. And then, "Nice to see you too, asshole. How's your road trip going? Mine's been swell, thanks for asking."After eighteen months of searching, Carter finally catches up to Gavin. Or, GavinletsCarter catch up to him. But is he going to let Carter bring him home?
Relationships: Carter Bennett/Gavin Livingstone
Comments: 34
Kudos: 130





	1. it's not just me

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the thing that has currently consumed my life.
> 
> This was originally supposed to be a oneshot. A short, T rated oneshot about Carter finding Gavin. Now it's 12k and the first of 3 or 4 chapters because I couldn't stop thinking about what happens _after_ this, and it's all Sam and Gigi's fault (by which I mean I owe them my life and their cheerleading for this fic has been incredible. I love you guys).

_ If this is it, all we have _

_ I know I’ve done all I can _

_ If this is it _

_ And we can't stop _

_ And start again _

_ We can't fast forward to the end _

_ This is it _

_ But if I  had one chance to freeze time _

_ And stand still and soak in everything _

_ I’d choose right now _

**_(If This Is It, Newton Faulkner)_ **

The scents in the bar were overpowering. Sweet liquor and mixers, bitter beer, sweat, perfume, cologne. Excitement. Exhaustion. Arousal. Vomit and piss, and I knew that those would only get harsher the longer the night wore on. The clock on my dashboard had told me that it was just after 10p.m. before I’d turned off the ignition and come inside, and that had been ten minutes ago at most. I’d done a lap of the building before coming inside, and then worked my way through the main area of the bar.

I couldn't find the one scent that I was looking for. There were too many people to find where it was coming from. But that was okay. I'd caught it outside, only minutes old. I'd find it again.

It had been a year, and this was the closest that I’d gotten. I wasn’t going to let this chance slip through my fingers.

Music blared from the speakers situated around the bar, mixing with laughter and raised voices. I ignored them all as I stalked through to the smokers area out the back. I was distracted by my irritation at all of the other _people_ here, and so I was caught unawares when a hand circled around my arm, fingers gripping tight.

My back hit the wall, hard. My first instinct was to shift, to fight back against the forearm across my chest, to push out at the person holding me against the wall.

Until I saw the flash of violet. A scent hit my nose, something I'd only caught snatches of for far too long.

And for the first time in a year and a half, something inside me just _relaxed_.

"Go. The fuck. Home," Gavin snarled.

I had wondered if I would even recognise him. I'd only seen him in his human form for a few minutes, out by the lake in Caswell. I'd wondered if my memory had distorted his face over time. Made his eyes harder than they were, the angle of his jaw stronger. But I recognised him instantly — without the scent, without that memory that I'd grasped onto with both hands no matter how much it hurt, I still would have known him anywhere.

"Hey," I breathed. And then, "Nice to see you too, asshole. How's your road trip going? Mine's been swell, thanks for asking."

Gavin growled, and I felt it echo right through me. It was a call and response, and one that I’d been chasing for months. “There is nothing for you here,” he said. “You’re going to get yourself killed.”

His heartbeat was muffled by the sounds around us, but it felt as steady as it ever had. Too bad that I still knew he was lying. How did he _do_ that? I was taller than him but not by much, and I couldn’t straighten up while he held me against the wall, so I lifted my chin to take what advantage that I could. “If there’s nothing for me here, then why do you care if I get myself killed?”

His reaction to my infallible logic was stolen from me when a group of people flooded past us, on their way to the smoker’s area. “Get a room!” someone called out, followed up by, most appropriately, a wolf whistle.

If the way Gavin’s lip curled back was any indication, he didn’t find it as amusing as I did.

I didn’t care. I was swimming in green, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt even a flicker of it. Gavin scowled at me, and I felt like I could fly, because he was _here._

There was also a big part of me that wanted to tear his throat out, but I was a man of many layers.

Slowly, he lowered his arm from my chest and took a step back. I took half a step forward, and it was purely so that I wasn’t crowded up against the wall. For sure. Gavin was frowning at me. He glanced around us, at the people milling around us, most of them drunk or on their way there, all of them oblivious to what was happening in their midst. “I have one. A room. We should… talk.”

It couldn’t be that easy. My eyebrows shot up, but he didn’t take it back, and I wasn’t going to wait around to give him the opportunity. “Great. Good. Let’s go.”

I followed him out of the bar and through the carpark, not commenting when he walked straight past my car. The waning moon and stars were hidden by clouds, but the street lights were bright enough that, most of the time, I could make him out in the darkness. He stayed half a step ahead of me, so I couldn’t see much more than the set of his jaw, the hard line of his shoulders, the clench of his fists.

All of which had already started to relax by the time we reached the sidewalk.

I wondered if he realised.

I wondered if he needed this as much as I did.

“You let me catch you,” I said, voicing the suspicion that had sparked in me earlier tonight, when I'd caught a scent for the first time that wasn’t a week old.

Gavin’s eyes stayed straight ahead, but I saw his jaw twitch. “I’m sick of having a shadow.”

 _Are you fucking serious?_ All of the times that I’d had to fight for the pleasure of _taking a piss_ by myself said otherwise. “Oh tell me,” I said cheerfully, “how does that feel?”

It took me a few seconds to realise that Gavin had stopped, and when I turned around, he was a few steps behind me. He closed the distance between us, staring at me so intensely that I fought my body’s urge to shiver. His eyes flashed violet in the night. “How do you know Robert’s not there? How do you know this isn’t a trap?”

I met his gaze evenly. I wasn’t afraid of him, no matter how much he wanted me to be. He wasn’t going to scare me off. I shrugged. “Because it’s you,” I said honestly. “And it’s me.”

He continued to stare at me, hard. His heartbeat didn't skip, his breath didn't catch. But when he brushed past me to walk down the street, he waited until I caught up and then remained in step beside me, and that was progress, right?

Gavin's motel was a few blocks away. A few cars were scattered through the lot, including a truck that smelled almost as much like Gavin as the man himself. He also smelled like someone else, someone that made my wolf snarl and fight to be free, but I managed to keep him contained. It was night, but there was a spotlight illuminating the parking lot, and there were dozens of windows surrounding us that unknowing strangers could look through. I kept my eyes from flashing, my claws from protruding, through sheer force of will.

Gavin stopped in front of a door, pulling a key from his pocket, and he didn't complain when I crowded a little too close behind him, bending my neck to quietly inhale him.

Which probably also looked weird to anyone who might be peeking through their blinds at us, but whatever.

I _missed_ him. Human or wolf, it didn't matter. He was my timber wolf. I needed him.

I followed Gavin inside, watching him as he shucked his coat, and then gave myself a shake when I realised I was practically still standing in the doorway. Closing the door behind me, I looked around the small space. It was much the same as the dozens of motel rooms that I'd stayed in over the years, both with Gordo and my brothers, and by myself as I chased Gavin halfway across the country and back again.

There was a bag on the floor by the bed, and that was it. Gavin didn't even have the clothes on his back when he'd left us (left me), and so it wasn't a surprise to see him with so little now. I looked around for a second pack, but there wasn't one.

My eyes landed back on Gavin. He stood on the other side of the room, with the same knife's edge of frustration radiating off him that he'd exuded since I'd laid eyes on him half an hour ago. I wanted to make it better, but I didn't know how. I had a thousand things on the tip of my tongue, promises and arguments, my pain and my hope. I said the one thing that mattered. "Come home."

Gavin scoffed, disregarding my plea like it was nothing. _Child. You are. A child._ I pushed down the hurt, not wanting him to feel it. “‘Come home’,” he said. “Like it's that easy. Carter, _you_ go home. What the fuck do you think you're doing? You've got a family that's probably going out of its mind without you —”

"So do you," I said hotly. I wasn't going to let him forget it, no matter how much he seemed to want to. Or wanted to pretend to. Gavin's jaw clenched, and I used that to fuel me. "Unless dear old Dad's all you need now. Tell me, where is Robert?"

"I don't want to talk about Robert."

"Well I do." It was actually the last thing I wanted to talk about right now, but it loomed between us anyway, too large to ignore. "What is he doing all over the country? Is he recruiting people? Looking for someone?"

"For something," Gavin said slowly. He hesitated, and then sighed. It hit me, then just how much more in control of himself he was now than when I’d last seen him. Was that Robert’s doing? "Something that will give him greater control over his shift. He's in his beast form more than he's human. He wants the power of what he is now, but he doesn't want this otherness that he's turned into. It's too close to that which he hates." _Wolves_ , was the word left unspoken. He didn't want to be like us. "There's a coven in the next town over who might know something about it, but they won't talk to wolves. Hates us as much as he does."

I watched him warily, uncomfortable with how easily he'd handed all of that information over. "That's why you let me catch you." Not because he wanted to see me. Not because of an itch under his skin at being separated from each other.

It had to be, at least a little. Some part of him _had_ to be yearning for me like I needed him. _Stop fighting it. Stop fighting me._

"To tell you to go home," he said, and it took everything I had to hold onto my resolve. He took a step closer, his eyes flashing violet. Mine flashed in response to his challenge, but I didn't get the reaction that I was expecting. All of Gavin's fight seemed to leave him at once, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "Your eyes,” he said, sounding helpless for the first time since I'd known him. It jarred something awful inside me. “You didn’t even try to hang on, did you? How could you let yourself become this? How could you let all of that go?"

I didn’t answer him. I didn’t need to tell him how hard it was to snap the bonds of pack that held me to my family. I knew what it had done to them — I’d felt the shock of it when Gavin had tore those same bonds from me. But they were strong enough to survive it. They were stronger than I was. Kelly’s face swam in front of my eyes, but I pushed it away. He had the rest of the pack to look after him. He had Robbie back. He would be fine. I tried to believe it. “Come with me,” I said instead.

“I'm not coming with you.” His voice was flat and firm, his arms crossed over his chest. He clearly didn’t want to argue the point.

But I did, so he could suck it. “Why the fuck not?” I demanded. I clenched my fists at my sides to stop my hands from shaking. “I know why you left. It tore something inside me, but I knew. You saved us. Our family. Me. Congratulations, you’re as much a martyr as anyone else in the Bennett pack." He flinched. _Good_. “But now I need you to _come home._ ”

Gavin closed his eyes, taking in a long, slow breath before opening them again. “If I go… back, then he's just going to come after me again.”

He sounded dismissive, but I was vibrating with determination _._ “And we'll fight him. We'll kill him.”

“You'll lose,” he said. “You're not ready. And instead of _getting_ ready, you're following me across the country like some —”

“Yeah, because you _need to come home,_ ” I said through gritted teeth.

He fell silent, and something complicated passed over his face as he stared at me. He looked like he was in pain. “I can't,” he said hoarsely. “Don't you see that? I'm trying to keep you _safe_.”

I was angry with him. I was hurting, had _been_ hurting, for over a year and a half. And the warmth that spread through me at this barest admission that he cared only stoked that anger higher. I wasn't going to let my instinct to protect him get in the way of me telling him how fucked up this all was. “And how is it safe for you? With him?”

Gavin shook his head. “He's not going to hurt me,” he said, as though it were that simple.

“Yeah well that's reassuring,” I said, “since he's hurt literally every other person who I care about.”

“And then you cut yourself off from them and walked out on them. You’re an Omega, and for nothing.”

“It’s not for —”

He growled, deep in his chest, and I felt the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. “I don't know why you won't get the hint that _I don't want you here._ ”

“Because you're my mate, you fucking asshole, and I _will not_ leave you behind.”

I hadn’t meant to say it. Not like that. Not in anger. But I couldn’t take it back, and I didn’t want to. I wished that we could do things differently, that I hadn’t been so blind to what we could be to each other back when we’d had the time. I wasn’t going to let this be the end. I couldn’t.

Gavin was staring at me. I watched his throat move as he swallowed. It felt like part of his armour, the wall that he’d constructed between us, had chipped away, at least a little. “So you figured that one out, then.”

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah. I figured that one out. And now I need you to — do I really have to say it again?”

Come. The. Fuck. Home.

His shoulders slumped. “I can’t,” he said, but the fight had gone out of his voice. He sounded defeated. “Not until it's done.”

“Until what's done?”

“I don't know,” he said, and I wanted to believe him. I thought that I believed him. “But if I'm here with him, then he's not hunting you, and that's all that matters. Don't you get that? That's all that matters.”

I stepped forward before I could think about it, before I could consider whether Gavin wanted it. His rough voice cracked, and I was there instantly. I put a hand on his hip to hold him still, and pressed my other to the side of his face, feeling his stubble beneath my fingers before I slipped them through his hair, cupping his head. Closing my eyes, I pressed my forehead to his and just _breathed_. Breathed in his scent, something familiar and unknown all wrapped up in one.

My whole world shifted, for us to be close again.

Gavin froze under my touch, and I was sure he was going to pull away, but then his hand circled my wrist, keeping mine in his hair, his fingers warm against my skin. His other hand settled on my waist, his _hand_ was on my _waist,_ and it was electrifying.

“You don’t know me,” he whispered, and I felt the breath of every word against my lips. “You don’t know anything about me.”

His words felt like a knife, twisting in my gut. Not because they were true, but because they weren’t. “I know you like to lay in the sun,” I said softly, and smiled sadly at the memory of a timber wolf stretched out on the grass in the clearing. “I know you like raw meat more than cooked — which is a habit I hope you haven't kept now that you can do the whole two legs, less fur thing. I know that you don't like the way the carpet cleaner they use in my office smells. I know you love our family. I know you love our pack." I paused, flexing my fingers through Gavin’s hair. I didn’t know if I was trying to soothe him or myself. "You're Gavin. Gavin Livingstone. Somehow, you're the son of a witch, and you're also a werewolf, and I have so many questions about that, by the way."

There was so much tension in Gavin’s body that I felt like it could snap at any minute. Carefully, I slid my hand from his waist to rest on his lower back, drawing the two of us a little closer together. His back was lean and muscular underneath my hand through the thin material of his t-shirt. I bent my neck, putting my face against his shoulder and inhaling as deeply as I could. It swelled in my chest, and the only reason I exhaled was to breathe him in again. “You’re mine. My pack. My family. And I’m not leaving without you.”

There was a low rumble in Gavin’s chest that was almost, but not quite, a growl. “Stupid Carter,” he muttered, but he couldn’t hide the way his chest expanded when he breathed me in too.

My laughter caught in my throat, choking me. “Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am,” I said, raising my head again, and felt Gavin’s facial hair scrape across my cheek. I was just as scruffy as he was, and the sensation of another person’s stubble catching on my own was a new one. I liked it.

I wanted to kiss him. Wanted to pull him closer until I could feel him all along my body, wanted to learn every inch of him. Finally, _finally_ , I could hear his heartbeat speed up in time with mine, and I turned my head, my lips brushing against his jaw, and —

And Gavin turned his head.

Just a little. Just enough.

Which was fine. It was totally fine. It was absolutely totally fine, and I didn’t care _at all_.

But he didn’t move away, either. And I could _hear_ the way his heartbeat skipped when his hand tightened around my wrist. “I need you to do something for me,” he said quietly.

My eyes slid closed. I took a moment to gather myself before I opened them and pulled back. He let me pull my hand free, and my arms dropped to my sides. “That’s why you let me find you, isn’t it?”

It was there, just for a moment, before Gavin’s expression hardened. And it still hurt, that he wanted me to think that he didn’t care, but I’d grown up around idiots who had tried to do the same thing. With themselves, with each other. I knew what he was doing, but it was still an ache inside me that he tried to continue this distance between us. “I need you to pass along a message for me. To Gordo. And,” he added quickly, his voice dropping, “if you tell me I could do that myself if I came home, I’m going to snap your neck.”

I closed my mouth. Shrugging unapologetically, I wondered what my chances would be of knocking him out and stuffing him in my car. I was bigger than him. Broader. But I’d been watching him move, and I got the impression that his reactions were sharper. “And I’m sure this isn’t a ploy to get me to go home _at all_.”

Gavin’s mouth pressed into a firm line. “As soon as Robert’s found what he needs, he’s going to start rounding up witches. For a spell. I don’t know the specifics, but I know that it’s about gathering power. And I’m pretty sure that it’s their blood that he wants, not the witches themselves.” He paused, his eyes boring into mine. “He’s going to come for Gordo. Gordo’s one of the strongest witches that Robert’s ever met, and he’s even more powerful with your pack behind him.”

“Our pack,” I reminded him softly.

His jaw twitched. “Just. Warn him. And keep them safe.”

 _Keep them safe._ How did he not understand that he was included in the people who I would have given my life to protect? Cutting myself off from my family, from my pack, had been the hardest decision I’d ever made — harder than leaving my family to go after Richard, harder than leaving my mother and Mark and Ox behind.

How was I supposed to just leave him, leave him with _Robert,_ and go back to my family? My family, who were _safe?_

Except maybe they weren’t going to be, not after Robert found whatever it was that he was looking for. I knew that the rest of the pack would look after Gordo, but —

At what cost?

And if I could warn them...

But _Gavin_ was _here._

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to be talked into going home. Gavin wasn’t going to let me help him. I was confused and angry and there wasn’t a single solution here that I could live with. I looked at him askance. “And what about you? You’re just gonna keep trotting around at Daddy’s heels and hope he doesn’t decide he hates you as much as he hates the rest of his family? Who’s keeping you safe?”

“I’m fine.”

It would have been bad enough if he’d sounded like he was bluffing. It was infinitely worse that he sounded like he didn’t care, and I didn’t know how to fight it. A year’s worth of barely sleeping, of sitting behind a wheel, of my hopes being slashed again and again hit me all at once in the face of _go home I don’t want you I’m fine I don’t need you_ , and suddenly the only thing I felt was exhausted. “Yeah, Gavin. Sure.” I took a step back, sitting on the edge of the bed and putting my head in my hands. “I super believe you.”

The silence stretched out between us, so long that I thought that he wasn’t going to respond. When he did, it wasn’t what I expected. “It’s late. Do you have somewhere to stay?”

I snorted. “Yeah. My car. Don’t worry, I’ve gotten real good at sleeping in it.”

Another pause, and then, quietly, “You can stay here. If you want. The bed’s big enough.”

Dropping my hands, I looked up to see Gavin watching me with that same hard expression that gave nothing away. Except that he didn’t want me to see what he was really feeling. I wanted to shake him until he let me in. Didn’t he know that he could trust me? _Let me see you. You’ve always had all of me, even before I knew it. Please, let me see you._

A joke about the two of us sharing the bed stalled on my lips when I realised that the static underneath my skin was nerves. I swallowed it down, along with the lump in my throat, as I stood up and slowly shrugged my coat from my shoulders. “Thank you,” I said instead, and wondered if being serious about it was maybe more awkward.

Gavin’s quiet grunt didn’t really tell me how he felt about it.

He turned his back, heading over to the door to make sure that it was locked. I kicked off my boots, and then stood up to drop them against the wall. My shirt came off next, but I hesitated with the decision on how much to strip down. What was the etiquette here? When you’re getting into bed with a man who was your mate but who didn’t want to kiss you, didn’t want you there?

But when I turned around again, Gavin was undressing too, still facing away from me. My hands dropped to my belt, and I unbuckled it slowly, distracted by the way the muscles in his back moved when he pulled his shirt over his head. He was still thin, but he’d filled out a little since I’d last seen him. He was down to his underwear before I’d shucked my pants, and I froze when he hooked his thumbs under the waistband and pulled them down.

I blinked quickly, averting my gaze before glancing straight back again. At the curve of his ass, the long line of his back. Gavin’s head turned, just a little, and I knew that he would have heard the way my heart skipped.

Before I could call out the sudden thick tension between us — he had to feel it too, right? He _had_ to — Gavin’s hands flexed by his sides, claws springing from his fingertips. I watched, mesmerised, as hair sprouted along his spine, covering his back. There was a familiar crack of muscle and bone and then a wolf was standing before me, taking up… most of the room, honestly.

And although I knew Gavin, I _knew_ him, felt him in my soul even if the pack bonds between us were stripped away, _this_ was the Gavin that was familiar. I watched the timber wolf turn toward me, and for the first time in a year and a half, I could feel him. In my head, in my heart. The bond was tenuous, but it was there, and I felt the relief like a fist in my chest.

And through that bond, I could feel how hesitant he was. Stepping the rest of the way out of my jeans, I took a step forward and reached out my hand, palm up. “Hey,” I said, fully expecting him to snub me, to turn away again. Because that was why he’d shifted, wasn’t it? So he wouldn’t have to deal with me.

The wolf tilted his head, hesitating for a moment more before he took a step toward me. His dark eyes watched me warily… and then he whuffed, padding the rest of the distance toward me and turning his face into my hand. Closing my eyes, I pressed my face against his forehead, reaching up to scratch along his jaw, behind his ears. Gavin whined, pushing his snout against my chest, and I understood.

It was different, trying to process things as a human and as a wolf. As a human, everything was more complicated. There was layer upon layer of want and need, of what you should do and what you shouldn’t and what you couldn’t.

Things were simpler as a wolf.

He wasn’t trying to avoid me.

As a human, he could stand there, on the other side of the room, and tell me that he didn’t want me here. As a wolf, he didn’t have to deny himself the things that he wanted. He could let himself have this closeness. And if he felt even a fraction of the relief that I felt to be near him after so long…

I smoothed my hands up the sides of his face, scratching my fingertips into his fur. “Hey,” I whispered, and felt like I could shatter at any second, if it weren’t for him piecing me together. “I missed you too. But I’m here, okay? I’m here.”

He huffed, and I was sure that he would have been rolling his eyes, if he could. But he didn’t pull away, so I held him tighter.

Straightening up, I pulled off my undershirt, because fuck it. I wanted to feel him, as much as I could. Dropping it with the rest of my clothes by the side of the bed, I pulled back the quilt right back, letting it heap at the foot of the bed. We weren’t going to need it. And fair enough, as soon as I flicked the light off and stretched out on the mattress, Gavin climbed up onto the bed beside me. The cheap bed frame groaned underneath our combined weight, but it held stable. His tail curled over my thighs as he nosed at the top of my head, and I turned into him readily, pressing my face against his paw and burying my fingers in his fur.

I could hear his heartbeat and his breathing start to even out, and I felt myself calming right along with him. It was dark, but I could make out his outline in the dim light from the carpark through the gap in the curtains, and as my eyes adjusted to the night, he became clearer and clearer.

I leaned back to see his face, and found him watching me.

Sighing, I rubbed my hand over his shoulder. “If you leave before I wake up, I’m going to hunt you down. Don’t think I won’t.”

He continued to look at me for a few seconds before his eyes slid shut again, and I figured that was the closest thing to an agreement I was going to get. I closed my eyes, and even the worry that he might not listen to me wasn’t enough to overwhelm just how at peace I felt to be near him again. Eventually, I started to drift.

It was the best I slept in eighteen months.

* * *

Except I woke up.

And instead of fur under my hand, under my chin, against my chest —

There was skin.

And a heavy arm around my waist.

A hand on my back.

A scratchy cheek against mine.

I turned my head, just a little, to feel the brush of his skin on skin. His body was pressed fully against mine, and warmth spread through me from every point that we touched. He was naked — he had to be, since he’d shifted back. My hand was on his chest, and I flexed my fingers in his wiry hair.

I held my breath when Gavin’s arms tightened around me. He made a sound in the back of his throat, soft and deep and I wanted to bury myself in it, in him. And this, being held like this —

It felt more intimate than I’d ever been, with anyone before.

I didn’t know if this was something that he wanted. Earlier, he’d turned away from me, and… as much as I wanted this, it meant nothing unless he wanted it too. Wanted _me._ I should pull back. I should pull out of his arms and roll over, put as much space between us as I could.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I dropped my face down to Gavin’s neck and inhaled him deeply, breathing in his smell of warmth and sweat and man. Just once, and then I was going to pull away.

Gavin’s arm tightened around me, and my heart skipped a beat.

One more moment. One more…

He stiffened underneath me.

I should pull away, I should… Gavin was stirring, he was waking up, I should…

But he tilted his head down, pressing his cheek against mine, and I heard him as he breathed in deep. The sound that came from the back of his throat was like a _whine_ , his hand tightening on the small of my back, and —

And I didn’t let myself second guess it, didn’t let myself think about it. Holding my breath, I turned my head, and let my lips brush gently against Gavin’s.

I would have left it at that. If Gavin hadn’t responded, if he’d pulled away, if he’d pushed me back. I would have left it at that. But his arm tightened around me immediately, pulling me closer until there was no distance between us at all. I felt his lips move against mine, a touch as light as mine was.

I prepared myself for him to pull away. This would be it, this would be all I had of him.

Except his hand cupped my cheek, his fingers curling along my jaw, and when his lips parted mine, it was with an urgency that echoed deep within my chest.

It took me a few seconds to fully realise it — that it was _Gavin_ , in my arms, kissing me, his mouth suddenly firm and demanding and desperate, and I —

I’d spent a lot of time over the last year and a half wondering about this. The hope of us coming together like this had paled compared to the want of just being near him again, or making sure he was safe. But I _had_ thought about it, had thought about what his mouth would feel like on mine, what his hands would feel like on my face, what he’d taste like, whether he’d kiss me hard or soft, the sounds that he might make…

Nothing I’d imagined was as good as this.

Gavin kissed me like he was starving for it, and his urgency cracked open something inside me. I grabbed him by the back of his neck as his mouth moved against mine, twisted my fingers through his long hair as I felt his tongue brush against my lip. I leaned into him, kissing him deeper, and my moan of longing and relief was echoed right back at me from his lungs.

Our legs were twined together, one hairy leg hooked over mine at the knee, and I could no longer ignore the fact that he was naked. I curled my hand around his ribs and slid it down along his bare skin. Gavin’s hips angled toward me when I reached lower, and my heart was racing by the time I cupped his ass and pulled our bodies together. The thin layer of my underwear was the only thing between us, and the amount of skin against mine made my head spin. I broke the kiss to gasp for air, only for my breath to catch in my throat when he turned his mouth to my jaw, down to my neck, sucking and nipping at my skin.

One moment we were lying side by side, facing each other as we sank deeper and deeper into this thing between us, and the next I was stretched out on top of him, between his legs, my need for him turning into a desperation that I couldn’t contain. I was — fuck, I was so hard, I was so ridiculously turned on by the man underneath me and the way that I could feel _his_ cock twitching into hardness against mine. Holding myself above him with my hands on the mattress at either side of his head, I ground down against him, drunk on the way his eyes fluttered shut in the dim light, on the way his teeth sank into his lower lip, on the way his back arched on the bed.

Gavin’s hands shifted from where they were clutching at my biceps, and I slowed to a stop, surprised, when I felt his fingertips tracing my face. I stared down at him, at his eyes flickering between mine, at the little furrow in his brow, the slight part of his lips. It was a soft, intimate moment, and I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I wanted it so much, I’d wanted it for so long, but I’d expected to have to fight for this every step of the way.

I’d expected so many things that I’d lost track of what I thought might actually happen when I found him. I’d spent the last eighteen months clinging to the knowledge that Gavin had _protected_ me, that he _cared_ about me, repeating that to myself every time I’d sank into misery at the idea that he didn’t seem to want to be found.

I’d expected many things, but I hadn’t let myself believe that I might get _this_.

“Carter,” Gavin whispered, and it was more than I could bear.

But that was okay, because all thoughts fled my mind as Gavin’s grip on me shifted, and I didn’t have time to react before I was flat on my back. Gavin was straddling my hips, grinding down on me as he kissed me thoroughly, and it was so so good, I never thought that it could be this good and we were just making out and rubbing against each other like teenagers, _fuck_ , _I need I need I need —_

“Please,” I gasped against his lips, clutching at his hips and rolling my hips up against him. _“Gavin.”_

Gavin moaned, and I wanted to hear it again. Wanted to keep hearing it forever.

I hadn’t done this before, but I knew what I liked. Cupping the back of Gavin’s head so I could keep kissing him, I reached between us and wrapped my hand around Gavin’s dick. It was hard, hard and warm and leaking already, and I swallowed the sound he made when I started to stroke him. “Tell me what’s good, okay?” I asked, one part dirty talk because I could _tell_ that Gavin thought that _this_ was good, but one part genuine, too, because I wanted to blow his fucking _mind_. “What do you like? I wanna make you feel good.”

“This,” Gavin groaned. “...You…”

And oh shit, did that make me feel pretty fucking great.

But I could do better than a handjob. Anyone could give him a fucking handjob. And I wanted to try… so many things. I felt _giddy_ with the possibility. “I wanna blow you. And fuck you. Can I fuck you? Or do you wanna fuck me? I don’t… I don’t know what I like, but I… I wanna give you everything. I’m bisexual, did you know that?”

“Oh my fucking god,” Gavin growled, which I took as exactly the encouragement I was looking for.

Grabbing his hips tightly with both hands, I flipped us again, grinning down at Gavin when he blinked up at me in surprise. Lowering myself until our bodies were pressed together, I took his face in my hands and kissed him again, until my lungs were burning, until he was squirming underneath me.

Pulling away from his mouth, I closed my mouth over his throat, and felt a thrill at the way that his stubble scratched at my tongue. He tried to lean up to kiss me again but I pushed him back down, nipping at his collarbone before taking his nipple between my lips. I lifted myself off of him so that he couldn’t rub his cock against my stomach — I wanted him aching for me the same way I was aching for him. I wanted him fucking frenzied with it. I wanted him overwhelmed with me.

I felt like I should be nervous, but nothing was stronger than the way my skin tingled with the desire to have him shivering and shuddering underneath me. Carefully, deliberately, I took his cock between my fingers again, pressing a kiss just underneath his hipbone as I pulled back his foreskin. I felt a touch against my temple, and glanced up at Gavin as he threaded his fingers gently through my hair. “You don’t have to,” he said, the thickness of his voice belying his words.

I licked my lips, and watched his pupils dilate. “Oh, but I really, really do,” I said, and bent my head to wrap my lips around the head of his cock.

I didn’t take him in deeply, just a little further than the head. I closed my lips tightly around him, and then pulled back slowly until I reached the tip, licking his precum from my lips, considering the salty taste of it before dragging my tongue across his cockhead for more. He moaned, hips shifting against the bed, and I couldn’t stop myself from taking in more of him, sucking on him lightly as I sank down on him and then pulled back, and again. His fingers tightened in my hair, scratching against my scalp, and I was glad in that moment that I hadn’t bothered to shave it all off again recently. There was just enough length for him to twist and tug, and I relished the sensation as I pulled against his grip, trying to work my tongue against the underside of his dick as I took him deeper.

I stiffened as I felt him brush the back of my throat, my shoulders hunching and my throat closing as I choked on him. Gavin’s hand tightened in my hair and I let him tug me back, gasping for air as I blinked up at him. His eyes were dark, and he was breathing almost as heavily as I was. “Take it easy,” he said, sounding concerned and amused all wrapped up into one.

“ _You_ take it easy,” I said, grinning widely at him because he looked like I was rocking his fucking world and I wasn’t going to let anything stop me. I watched his stomach tense as I bent over him again, and rested my hand on it so I could feel it tremble when I angled him up and took him back into my mouth.

I didn’t try to take him as deep again. But he didn’t seem to mind when I focused my attention on the head of his cock, trying different things with my tongue until he started making little jerking motions with his hips. He was trying not to thrust up into my mouth, I realised, and I wanted to tell him not to hold back. Instead, I put more weight on my other hand to hold him down, and thrilled at the broken sound that fell from his lips as I sucked him down deeper again, careful not to go too far.

 _Just you fucking wait,_ I thought. _If you think this is good_ now, _just wait until I’ve figured out what the fuck I’m doing_.

I knew what I wanted to do next, though. I looked up at Gavin when as I pulled back, but his eyes were tightly closed, his face tilted toward the ceiling. I pulled my hand from his stomach and stuck two fingers in my mouth, working my tongue around them to wet them, and by the time Gavin had opened his eyes to look at me, I was wrapping my lips around him again.

I kept my eyes on him as I slipped my hand between us, brushing against his balls, over his perineum, not hesitating even a little as I touched the tip of my middle finger against his hole. I’d never touched anyone here before. Only myself, and without the kind of success that I knew I could find with another person. I’d lived in a house full of men who loved men for long enough to understand the joys of anal sex, enough to make me curious, even if I’d spent most of my life assuming that I was straight.

Apparently thirty wasn’t too old to realise that the way I looked at men wasn’t the way that straight men looked at men.

And _Gavin_.

Holy _shit._

I’d never seen anyone as beautiful as Gavin was right now. His skin was pale in the barely-there light from the gaps in the shitty motel curtains, the hair on his chest dark. I was thoroughly enthralled by him, his scent consuming me entirely until it was the only thing I could think about. Watching him closely, I stroked him from the base of his dick to the tip and back again, slow and firm, just to hear the sounds he made. The way that he sighed, his eyelids fluttering shut, the wall between us that he’d tried to hold crashing down completely. How it only took a swipe of my tongue over the head of his dick to make him shiver. And I shouldn’t be surprised, I knew what I liked, I knew how sensitive I was with someone’s mouth on me.

And yeah okay, now all I could think of was Gavin’s mouth on _me_ , and I wanted it more than anything in the fucking world.

Almost anything, anyway.

I brought my lips back to him, pressing a little firmer with my fingers as I took him in as deep as I dared, and I felt Gavin’s groan in my bones.

We didn’t have lube. _I_ certainly didn’t have lube, and I was pretty damn sure that Gavin might have mentioned it if he was hiding any. Thank god we didn’t need condoms. Pulling back, I spat on my fingers, rubbing it into him, and once my fingers were sliding against him a little smoother, I pressed one inside him.

It was tight — I’d thought it would be tight — but the whine that Gavin made wasn’t a sound of discomfort. I wanted to keep blowing him, but I kept it slow as I worked my finger into him, watching him as best as I could, focusing on his reactions. After I reached the first knuckle, the pressure started to ease, and I pushed deeper until I couldn’t go any further. Gavin spread his legs wider, his feet flat on the bed on either side of me, his hips working as he ground down against my hand and then up into my mouth. “Fuck, that’s…”

He cut off with a groan. I got the point. “Yeah?” I said, pulling off just long enough to get the word out and press a kiss against the side of his shaft before taking him down again.

“Yea— _oh_.” He squeezed his eyes shut when I slipped my finger most of the way out and then back in again. “Yeah, that’s… mmm,” he moaned, as I curled my finger, stretching the tight ring of muscle gently as I pulled at his rim.

I felt a rush of pride at the way he was reacting to me. I wanted to be good at this, wanted to make him happy, wanted to show him that I could give him anything he needed. I fucked him with my finger until I felt like he’d loosened up enough to take a second, and the sound he made when I pressed the two inside him went straight to my dick.

Fuck, I had to… I was suddenly, overwhelmingly aware of the ache in my own cock. I rolled my hips against the bed, desperate for a little bit of friction, and it felt good, it felt great, but I wanted more than that. I wanted to rut against Gavin like an animal, to fuck into him until we couldn’t be any deeper in each other, to 

_mate_

get my smell all over him and show everyone who he belonged to. Bury myself in him until he was all I smelled like, so everyone would know that he was the only one for me.

Letting him fall from my mouth, I dropped my head to press my face against the crease of his thigh, tugging my underwear off roughly and wrapping my hand around my cock. I moaned against his skin, tasting the salt of his sweat against my lips. I wanted to make him feel this good, anything close to this good, _please let me make you feel good_.

Curling my fingers, I searched for the spot that I knew would be there, a tight bundle of nerves that, when I pressed my fingertips against, caused Gavin to stiffen. “Fuck,” he groaned, his thighs trembling around me. “Carter… _fuck._ ”

I took my hand away from my dick before things were over far too soon. I grabbed Gavin’s thigh instead, holding his legs open as I fucked into him with my fingers, crooking them every other time to brush against his prostate. My fingers started to drag inside him, so I lifted my head and spat down onto the spot where my fingers joined his body. I watched, mesmerised, for a few seconds before I got distracted by the way his dick twitched, and had to put my mouth on him again. My jaw was starting to ache. I didn’t care, not even a little.

“Just… fuck me already,” Gavin said eventually, when I was easily fucking him with three fingers.

“Not until you’re ready for me, baby,” I breathed, pulling back. And then, “That’s what you’re supposed to say, right? When you’re hung and you’re trying to make a point of it? That’s hot, right?”

The growl that Gavin made came from deep in his chest, and I didn’t get the chance to process just how much that turned me on before I was on my back once more, and yep, _that_ definitely turned me on. Gavin was leaning over me, straddling my waist, and when I lifted my hips I felt my cock dragging against the cleft of his ass. “Shit,” I grunted, and then the whole world seemed to pause as Gavin spat in his hand, reaching behind him, and — _oh_ — my mind went blank when he wrapped it around my cock, stroking it once, twice. And then — _OH_ — he lifted himself up, and I felt him pressing down over me, felt pressure against the head of my dick, and then _around_ it, and, and, and oh _fuck, hot hot hot tight, so tight, so good, so —_

Gavin sank down onto me slowly, his breathing measured and deliberate even as I heard his heart racing in his chest. I couldn’t breathe at all for how intense it felt, to be surrounded by him, taking him in deeper deeper deeper. Gavin’s face was pinched, and I felt a moment of panic as it struck me that I might have rushed him somehow, that he wasn’t ready, that I’d done something wrong. It shouldn’t hurt, right? If we did it properly?

“Are you…” I choked out. “Gavin…?”

He sank down a little further, and I sank my teeth into my lip, trying to focus. I had to make sure — “Shut up,” he growled, and — oh shit, I could _feel_ the desire in him, so strong that I felt consumed by it. His hands flattened on my chest, and I grasped at his thighs, more as something to hold onto than to guide him.

Another moment, a gasped breath later, and Gavin’s hips were flush against mine. He rocked against me, making sure I was as deep inside him as he could, and I tightened my grip on his legs, trying to hold myself together. “Are you… is it…” I wanted to know that it was good, that Gavin felt good. Gavin looked _incredible_ , straddling me, his head thrown back, his toned stomach and chest flexing as he made small movements above me, his cock resting thick and hard against my stomach.

I took it in my hand, stroking it slowly, rolling my thumb over the head in the same way that I liked, and I didn’t know whether to look at Gavin’s dick or at his face, at the way his chest moved with every breath, the way his stomach tensed when I pressed _right there_.

Pushing my hips back down against the bed, I pressed up into him, managing a small thrust, but his hands clutched at my waist, keeping me down. “Are you — Gavin, are you —”

“Just give me a second,” he muttered, and then, “No, don’t stop that,” as I stilled my hand on his dick. “I’m just… adjusting. You’re big.”

And like. I _knew_ that. I knew that, and yet I felt something swell in my chest, even as I knew it was stupid. My grin only widened when he opened his eyes and looked down at me. “Shut up,” he growled, and mmm yep, I liked that _a lot._

“I didn’t say anything.”

I couldn’t even _think_ anything, after that, because Gavin lifted himself up and then sank down on me again, and I felt the sweet, tight drag of him over every inch of my dick and reverberating all through my body. He sighed, and it sounded like pleasure and desire and contentment all wrapped up in one. I clutched at his thigh while I continued to stroke him with my other hand, lost to sensation as he fucked himself on me slowly. It was good, it was so good and perfect and real.

He started to move faster, sinking down on my dick and then fucking up into my hand. I moaned every time I bottomed out inside him, in disbelief over how he felt wrapped around me. His eyes stayed on me all the while — I was trapped in his gaze and I never wanted to leave. His hands slid up to my chest, leaving a trail of fire in their wake, and I let out a choked sound when he flicked his thumbs against my nipples. When he grinned down at me, he looked almost feral. “I can’t believe I finally found a way to shut you up.”

“Oh my _god,”_ was the only thing I could manage. “Oh my… _fuck_.”

His grin lost its predatory edge, softening into a smile that was just as disbelieving as it was tender. It only lasted a second and then it was gone, lost to distraction as he rocked his hips down onto me. But I saw it, and I grasped onto it with both hands. It was mine, just as Gavin was mine, just as I was his and would always be his.

It surged through me, the power of this coming together. It was so much more than just two bodies finding pleasure in each other. It was home, it was safety, it was strength. It was infinite.

I didn’t know what was going to come next. For either of us. But I knew one thing with every inch of my being.

I wasn’t going to let this be the last time. The only time.

Dropping his cock, I pushed myself up until my chest was flush with his, wrapping my arm tightly around his waist to hold us together. Sitting up, his face was only just above mine, and I paused, looking up at him searchingly before I reached up to cup his cheek. My fingers were light against the scruff on his face before I curled them around the back of his neck, pulling him down so I could press my lips gently against his.

I wondered whether he would let me have this intimacy, this thing that I craved so much. I might know more about Gavin than he thought, but there was still so many parts of him missing for me. But when he kissed me back, he was surprisingly soft, his mouth parting carefully against mine, and then — not so soft, but deep and slow and I felt like my heart was about to burst with it.

Until Gavin shifted his weight on top of me, just enough for me to feel it. His arms circled my shoulders as we kissed, his hips rocking against mine, and it wasn’t enough for any real friction but the lack of it paled in comparison to getting to hold him like this, to getting to have him hold me the way I’d longed to be held. I could feel him hard against my stomach, a smear of wetness against my skin. I wanted to make him forget everything except for the pleasure we could wring from each other, fuck him until the only thing that mattered was his body and mine, his heart and mine.

Sliding my right arm around him, high on his back, I lowered my other to support him as I got my legs underneath me, leaning forward until he tipped onto his back with me on top of him. I slipped out of him, and he caught my hand as I dropped it between us to line myself up again. “Push my legs back,” he told me, and oh shit, I was definitely on board with him telling me what to do. He lifted his legs, and I smoothed my hands up the backs of his thighs, my palms brushing over hairy skin, until I was holding him underneath his knees. Holding him spread for me. His hole was stretched and open and just, fuck, _right there_. A stretch of skin leading up to his balls, high and tight, just below the thick curve of his dick. I wanted to devour every inch of him.

I let go of one leg, taking myself in hand and lining myself up, my cockhead rubbing against his opening. Pausing, I pulled back, spitting on my fingers and rubbing them inside him, amazed at the way he flexed around them. I spat again, directly onto where my fingers breached him, ignoring his impatient growl as I slicked him up.

When I was ready and totally not because Gavin was squirming so wonderfully on the bed underneath me, I withdrew my fingers and took myself in hand again. I watched, my chest tight with awe, as I pressed the head of my dick into him, feeling the tight squeeze of him all around me. Stopping, I pulled back to feel the pressure of his rim around where I was most sensitive before thrusting in a little, and then a little more, before returning my hand to his thigh. But I kept watching all the while, as I sank into him as far as I could. “Fuck, Gavin,” I said, thrusting into him a few more times before I finally looked up at him.

His eyes were dark as they watched me. “Yeah,” he said, and he sounded just as overwhelmed as I felt.

He rocked his hips slightly, pulling me deeper, moaning when I bent over him. Pushing his legs back further, I grinded against him, letting him really feel me deep before I started to thrust properly into him. Every sound he made as I moved within him was a balm to my soul, every slap of skin against skin a reminder that we were alive and we were together. Time dissolved around us, forgotten as the rest of the world ceased to exist.

I could tell he was starting to get restless, though. He was trying to move with me, but he couldn’t move much while I was holding him like this. _Well, you asked for it_ , I thought, starting to feel frenzied with the way lightening burst under my skin every time I slid home.

Dropping his legs, I lowered myself until our chests pressed together, reaching down to grab his ass and help him rock up against me. Gavin’s feet flattened against the bed instantly, and then he was meeting my every thrust, breathing as heavily as I was as our bodies moved together. I swallowed his groan when I turned my head to find his mouth, kissing him so hard we’d probably bruise if we weren’t what we were.

I whimpered, a broken sound, as I broke the kiss and dropped my head to press my face against his shoulder. Gavin’s hand cupped the back of my head, holding me there, and — and —

For the first time in my life, I was completely overwhelmed with the need to _bite,_ to _claim_.

To _matematemate_.

He was mine. He was _mine_.

He… is…

_He…_

“This isn't just for now,” I told him, promised him, the words falling brokenly from my shattered heart. Gavin's hands tightened on me, and I felt the prick of claws at the back of my neck, on my waist. “I'm gonna bring you home. We're gonna do this right. I wanna —” I groaned into his skin “— wanna know everything about you. Gavin Gavin _Gavin_.” I choked on his name as I picked up my pace, as though everything would be okay if only I could crawl inside his skin. Trembling, I squeezed my eyes shut against the sudden burn in the back of my throat. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't see it. I'm sorry I didn't know. But I'm here, okay? I'm here, and I'm not letting you go, and I want you, okay? I want you, I want this, I want —"

Gavin didn't tell me that he forgave me. He didn’t tell me that it was okay. He didn’t tell me that he loved me, or that we’d survive this. But he took my face in both of his hands, kissing me hungrily, and when he growled “ _mine_ ” against my lips, I felt it in my bones. “Carter,” he groaned, his voice rough, and then his arms came around me, holding us together. We couldn't be closer if we’d tried. He sighed my name again, and it sounded like relief, like the green that was seeping between us under the oceans and oceans of blue.

It wasn’t much longer before he shuddered beneath me, and again, and then cried out against my lips. The thought to pull back to see his face flashed through my mind, but it was eclipsed by the way his hands tightened on me, his claws piercing my skin, his hips jerking up. His release spilled between us, his mouth slack against mine, and — _fuck_ , the way that he clenched around me, hot and _tight_ , took my breath away. “Oh my god. Oh my god. _Gavin_ —”

“Don't stop,” Gavin moaned weakly. “Wanna — wanna feel you.”

And oh shit, oh shit, _oh my fucking god._ I fucked into him mindlessly, chasing my own release, because Gavin wanted it, because I made Gavin feel good and he still wanted me, he _wanted me._ The knowledge blossomed inside me, rolling through me until I couldn't think of anything else, nothing but the pleasure shooting through me and the dizzying knowledge that Gavin _wants me, fuck me take me love me bite me matematemate —_

It was a near thing. The wolf pulled at me, and I wanted to give into it, to let myself half shift, because I _could,_ because I didn't have to hide a single part of myself from Gavin. But I knew that if I let go even a little then I wouldn't be able to stop myself.

I clutched onto him with blunt fingers as my hips snapped against his, as I tipped over the edge and the world turned white around me. I buried my face against his neck as I came deep inside him, surrounded by the heartaching scent of him, wrapped up in his hot skin and his burning lips in my hair.

When I came back to myself, I was slumped over Gavin, breathing heavily into his shoulder. The rest of the world started to inch it’s way between us as my head cleared, and I couldn’t push it away, no matter how much I wanted to just dwell in this moment forever. I should move, Gavin was probably about two seconds from pushing me away, I should —

Except Gavin’s arms were still around me, his mouth against the side of my head. I turned my face against his neck, and his grip on me tightened.

Okay. Okay.

It shouldn’t have made me feel so vulnerable, but it felt like one of the most significant things that had happened between us tonight.

We couldn’t stay like that forever, no matter how much I wanted to. How much we wanted to. I held my breath when I pulled my sensitive, softening cock from Gavin’s body, leaning back to watch with a primal fascination the cum that leaked from his open hole. I wanted to stick my fingers in there, to gather up the evidence of our coupling and smear it into Gavin’s skin, to make everyone know that he belonged to me. We were both already covered in Gavin’s cum, and I wanted to mix our scents together until there was no telling one from the other, until we were _GavinandCarter_.

But.

But Gavin wasn’t coming home with me.

He was going back to _him_.

It wasn’t until Gavin’s hand curled around the back of my neck that I realised that the low growl filling the room was coming from me.

He was sitting up in front of me, angling my head to catch my eyes. I dropped them anyway, retracting my claws quickly. “Sorry,” I said quietly. I felt. Angry, because all of this would be better if he would just come home and fuck the consequences. And embarrassed, because _please why won't you just be with me?_ I was covered in spunk, and felt like a rejected little boy. “Sorry. I just — I —” My hands were shaking, why were my hands shaking?

“Hey,” Gavin said, leaning in until his forehead pressed firmly against mine. I was just as thrown by the intensity of the panic that had so quickly spiked in me as I was that it was already tempered by his closeness. “Come shower with me. We’re covered in each other and I’m not sleeping in the wet spot.”

The smile that pulled at his lips was hard, but he was trying. I returned the smile around the lump in my throat, and it probably looked just as forced as his was. “Is this funny Gavin?” I said hoarsely. “Gavin humour? The Gavin Show, Late Night edition?” Gavin rolled his eyes, but I felt the blue around him ease just a little, and that made me feel a little better. Or, at least, made me feel like I could ask for what I needed. “Just. Not yet? Can we just… be for a minute?”

I wasn’t stupid. I knew that Gavin would have to wash the smell of me off him before he went back to Robert. But I wanted to live in it for a little while longer. I needed it.

And maybe Gavin did too. He nodded slowly. “Grab the tissues.”

There was a box on the nightstand, and I reluctantly pulled away to grab it. We cleaned each other up, and Gavin’s hands were gentle on my skin. After, he cupped my face and kissed me again, and it was so soft that it cracked my heart right open.

We lay down side by side, and I closed my eyes when I felt Gavin’s hand settle on the side of my neck, his thumb stroking my skin lightly. Mine rested on his waist, and I gave it a gentle squeeze, telling him that I felt it. That I understood. I wanted to tell him to come home. I wanted to tell him that whatever happened, we would work it out. I wanted to tell him that from the moment he’d left, there had been an open wound inside me, and already I could feel myself starting to heal. I wanted to tell him that we might not know each other the way I wanted to, but I wanted to spend the rest of my life fixing that.

I kissed the inside of his wrist instead, and hoped he knew.

“Let me go with you,” I breathed, and then opened my eyes when his thumb stilled on my neck. I hadn’t meant to say it. I didn’t want to take it back.

“No,” he said, and his tone was final. But then his eyes softened. “I need you safe.”

“Is that why…”

I couldn't even say it. His words had haunted me every day since he’d left me, building into a maelstrom that had become too much to ignore. So I’d broken ties with my pack, and let his words haunt me all the way across the country instead. He’d wounded me in that moment to protect me. And I hated him for it.

No _. Stay._ Back _. Don’t want. This. Don’t want. Pack. Don’t want. Brother. Don’t want._ You _. Child. You are._ A child. _I am not. Like you. I am not._ Pack.

“You have no sense of self preservation,” he growled, like _he_ was the one who had any right to be hurt or angry about this. “Any of you fucking Bennetts." He paused, and something complicated passed over his face. “Please,” he whispered into the air between us. “Carter. Please be safe. Please keep our pack safe. He'll be coming, soon, and you have to be ready. You have to tell Gordo —”

“I will," I said, and hated myself just as much as I hated him. I would go home, because he needed me to, and I would be suffocating all the while. “You… Robert doesn't know about the messages you left me, does he?”

“No.”

I felt suddenly shy, to ask this of him. “Could you… Please. Let me know you're okay.”

Gavin didn’t laugh me off, or roll his eyes at me. His hand slid up to my cheek. “When I can. If I can. If you promise not to use them to follow me.” His eyes narrowed when I didn’t reply. “ _Carter_.”

“Okay,” I said.

And even though I knew that Gavin had to hear the lie in my heartbeat, but he didn’t call me out on it.

* * *

I woke up surrounded by a scent that smelled like home.

The other side of the bed was empty, but the sheets were still warm. I forced my eyes open, and immediately closed them against the early morning sun that bled through the gaps in the curtains. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I squinted around the room, letting my breath out in a sigh of relief when I saw Gavin’s pack still leaning up against the wall.

It was only then that I realised the low background noise was the sound of the shower. Which meant that yeah, Gavin was still here.

But it also meant that he was leaving soon.

I knew what he was doing, knew why he had to wash the scent of me off his skin.

He was ingrained in mine right now, and I wanted to revel in it for as long as I could.

I wanted another moment with Gavin more.

Gavin didn’t turn around when I entered the bathroom, but of course he knew I was there. I opened the shower door and slipped into the stall, and it didn’t matter if there was barely enough room to fit the two of us. I wrapped myself around him from behind, and some of the tightness in my chest eased when his hands covered mine, holding them around his waist. I hadn’t known whether he might want this in the cold light of day, and the way he automatically pulled me closer made my throat tighten. I bowed my head, resting my cheek against the smooth, wet skin of his back. “This kind of defeats the purpose,” Gavin said.

“I know,” I said, but I didn’t move. Gavin didn’t either. And when he did, it was to turn around and wrap his arms around me, pressing his face into the hollow of my neck as I buried my nose in his dark hair.

We just stood there. And breathed. And breathed.

“You can’t follow me,” he said eventually, with that no-argument tone that I was starting to get used to. And I’d thought he’d been a stubborn asshole as a _wolf_.

“Yeah, I’ve gotten that point by now.”

“I’m not sorry I left with him.”

His heart did a complicated thing. It was a lie. And it wasn’t. “Fuck you too,” I said roughly.

In response, Gavin tilted his head back and kissed me.

His eyes stayed closed for a few seconds when he pulled away, but mine were on him instantly. I had to drink in every moment of this that I could.

He didn’t speak when he scrubbed himself with cheap motel soap, or when he stepped out of the shower, or when he dried his hair with the towel before wrapping it around his waist. I stood there, letting the water fall down around me, feeling cold despite its warmth.

His mouth was hard when he stepped up to the shower, but his eyes were as open as I’d ever seen them. “Goodbye, Carter,” he said, so quietly that I wouldn’t have heard him if I wasn’t what I was. He put his hand on the glass door between us.

I flattened my palm against the screen. My hands were just a little bigger than his. “For now,” I said firmly.

Gavin didn’t respond. His brow furrowed as his eyes darted all over my face, before he squeezed them shut. I took a deep breath in time with his, knowing he heard it as my heart stuttered painfully in my chest. It didn’t make me feel better that his was just as uneven.

When he opened his eyes again, they were hard. His jaw was set.

Wordlessly, he stepped back, and the world dimmed as he disappeared through the door.

My head fell forward, my forehead pressing against the cold glass, my eyes closing as I tried to hold the image of him in my mind.

The fragile remains of my heart shattered when I heard a second door close a few minutes later. I turned my face into the showerstream as I listened to his heartbeat grow fainter and fainter.

When I got out of the shower, Gavin was gone. Like I knew he would be.

I looked once more around the empty room, tucking a towel around my hips. My clothes and my boots in a pile beside the wall. My keys and wallet were in the pocket of my jeans. The only signs that we’d been here were the scent of us in the air, Gavin’s used towel on the floor, and the rumpled bed sheets.

And a folded piece of paper on the mattress.

It was a note. I picked it up, unfolding it to see the two words written inside.

 _BE SAFE_.

* * *

I dressed in yesterday’s clothes. They smelled like this room, which smelled like Gavin. That would have to be enough for now.

A few blocks from the hotel, I climbed into my car, and pulled the carefully folded note out of my pocket. There was a pile of them in my glovebox, and I stared at them for a moment before I set this one on top.

Starting the car, I pulled out onto the road and, finally, reluctantly, turned toward home.


	2. the quiet chaos driving me mad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carter comes home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos/comments/love for the first chapter! I hope you enjoy what comes next.
> 
> Thanks, always, to Sam and Gigi for making me feel like I'm throwing words together in a way that makes sense.
> 
> (you also might note that the chapter count officially went up, whoops)

_ There’s distance and there’s silence, your words have never left me _

_ They’re the prayer that I say every day _

_ The lone neon nights and the ache of the ocean _

_ And the fire that was starting to spark _

_ I miss it all, from the love to the lightning _

_ And the lack of it snaps me in two _

**_(New Y_ _ork, Snow_ _Patrol)_ **

The windows of the truck had been down for the last half hour despite the chill winter air. It wasn’t cold enough to snow, so there was nothing to smother the fresh smells of pine and dirt and grass. The smells of home.

The ache in my chest stretched larger for every mile that disappeared between myself and Green Creek, and as I pulled over onto the side of the road, it was a cavern of uncertainty, of homesickness, of grief and regret and exhaustion that threatened to swallow me whole.

I couldn’t see the wards that surrounded the territory, but I could feel them, disrupting the air a dozen paces at most from where I sat. Gripping the steering wheel with both hands, I stared at the invisible barrier between me and my home, between me and my family.

_ Get out of the car _ , I told myself.

After turning toward home, I’d driven most of the way through the night, stopping for only a few hours to sleep in my car when my lack of sleep the night before had forced me to pull over. It was just a few hours after dawn. Twenty four hours ago, I’d stood in a shower in nowhere, Kansas, listening to the sound of Gavin’s heartbeat grow fainter and fainter as he’d driven away from me. I reached out, hoping to catch a hint of a bond between us, to feel him impossibly through over a thousand miles.

There was nothing.

Unbuckling my seatbelt, I opened the car door and stepped onto the dirt. I shut the door, but continued to cling to it through the open window.

There were a dozen other bonds significantly closer, who would take me in much more readily.

Hopefully.

Maybe.

_ but what if they don’t, what if they don’t want me back, what if I’ve been gone too long and hurt them too badly and they don’t want me don’t want me don’t want me _

I stood by the car, watching the road, trying to find the courage to take the final steps home.

_ This is fucking stupid _ . I managed to bury my fear in self-anger for as long as it took me to storm up to the ward, but I faltered the moment I felt the vibrations against my skin. I couldn’t step through. I couldn’t, I — There was a lump in my throat that I couldn’t breathe through, and I closed my eyes so that I wouldn’t see my hands shake as I raised them to press them flat against the wards.

I felt the question in them, and the immediate answer. They would let me through. Of course they would — I was family. I was home, and Gordo’s wards would welcome me home. Pulling back, I turned away, wrapping my arms around my stomach to hold myself together as I bent over almost double. Relief and dread washed over me in waves.

Just because his wards would let me in didn’t mean that the pack would welcome me home.

I let that dread keep me at the border, falling back on a formality that I knew didn’t apply to me. I was more than just an Omega requesting safe passage in another pack’s territory, but I remained on the outside of the ward anyway, waiting either for someone to show up, or for myself to find enough courage to step through.

In less than half an hour, the whole pack was there.

I heard the cars before I saw anybody, heard them pull over, one by one, hidden by the bend in the road. The  _ slam slam slam  _ of an uncountable amount of doors, followed by hurried footsteps. I stepped back up to the ward, straightening my back, clenching and unclenching my fists as I waited for —

Joe was the first person I saw. He rounded the corner, and I could see every ounce of tension vibrating through his body, and how it eased, just a little, when he saw me. I watched him inhale, his face flickering in a complicated way, and felt my chest tighten in response.

It was only a moment, and then the rest of the pack spilled into my vision. Mark, Ox, my  _ mom _ was there, covering her mouth with a trembling hand, the rest of the pack coming up behind them, but then my eyes landed on Kelly and nothing existed in the world except for the two of us.

I was dimly aware of the way the pack spread out, in a formation that was as natural to them as breathing. As natural to us. Joe stopped about ten yards away from the wards, and the rest fell into place beside him, a line of people who had unknowingly held me together for the last year. The last eighteen months. My whole life.  _ KellyKellyKelly. _

The skin around his eyes was tight, his lips parted, his —

Joe stepped forward, and I reluctantly tore my eyes away from one brother to another. He wasn’t smiling. His face was carefully neutral, but something burned like fire in his eyes. “You’re home,” he said softly, and I hated the touch of uncertainty in his voice because I’d caused that.

I didn’t answer, and for a minute no one else said anything. I didn’t know if they were waiting for their Alpha or for me, but either way, I was reminded of when Joe, Kelly, Gordo and I had returned from our futile attempt at hunting Richard Collins. I hadn’t had much more success than we’d had then. But I’d had my brothers and Gordo at my side. Today, I was alone. They were right there, but I was alone. Until I could find it in me to take that step forward. Until I could decide whether I was worthy of it, and if they wanted me to be.

Gordo stepped forward, standing shoulder to shoulder with Joe. He looked tired. He looked just as haunted as Joe did, and I wondered if that was for me. It could have been for anything — I had no idea what they’d been through since I’d left. “The wards will let through pack,” he said, and I knew that he knew I’d tested them already. “If you’ve come home, they’ll let you through.”

I looked back to Kelly, but he hadn’t moved. I could see him shaking. I tried to tell myself that Robbie’s hand, wrapped tightly around his, was enough to have held him steady while I’d been gone, but the tears that flowed freely down his cheeks were a knife to my gut that told me I was full of shit.

I tasted salt. Oh, apparently I was crying too. Okay. Okay. I breathed — tried to breathe, but it caught in my chest, and I tried twice more before I could fill my lungs.

Bracing myself, I took a step forward.

The call of the territory welcoming me home rushed through me, and the brush of magic as the ward let me through had barely faded from my skin before a force collided with me. It would have been enough to push me back through the ward if not for the arms that circled me, pulling me tight tight tight against him, and the sound that escaped Kelly’s lips as he clutched at me was the most painful thing I’d ever heard. I grabbed onto him, pulling him impossibly tighter against me, burying my face against his neck and breathing him in.

Feeling him trembling against me was worse than I could have imagined. It was a frequent product of my worst nightmares. It was a reminder of all of the worst times of our lives, and I was struck with the thought that someone else had to have held him, held him together, while I was gone. I owed Robbie my life. I never ever wanted to leave him again, ever, oh god  _ oh god Kelly. _

It was only a few seconds before I felt a hand on my shoulder, a chest against my back, an arm around my waist, a face against my arm. I was surrounded by them — my pack, my family.  _ Oh. Oh fuck, oh _ . My legs gave out, but they held me up, lending me their strength like they always would, like of course they would because they were mine and I was theirs and they loved me, oh they loved me. I sobbed against Kelly’s neck, drowning in an ocean of blue and green because I was home, I was  _ home _ , but my home was still out there.

I don’t know how much time passed before I managed to calm down enough to breathe, but it was longer again before I stopped crying. My shoulder was wet with tears, and I didn’t know who they belonged to. I could feel them pressing in on me, physically and mentally, and the relief I felt that they wanted me back so readily was all-consuming. I didn’t hesitate. I reached back.

Pack bonds weren’t immediate. But with their joined effort, a concert of  _ BrotherSonPackHome _ , I could feel the glowing bonds right there, just out of reach.

Slowly, the others started to peel away, but Kelly’s grip on me didn’t ease, which was great because I wasn’t ready to let him go. I wasn’t ready to let any of them go, but I could see that they wanted to give us some space. As the last person pulled away, I glanced up to see Mark looking at me over his shoulder, a tentative smile playing around his lips before he turned and walked away, wrapping his arm around Mom’s shoulders.

The car doors around the corner slammed shut one by one, but not a single engine started. They were waiting, to be sure, and I hated the fact that they would doubt me still, and that that doubt was my fault.

After another minute or so, Kelly’s arms around me loosened. At some point, we’d fallen to our knees. He pulled back slowly, and no matter how hard I braced myself, I wasn’t prepared for the redness around his eyes, the lost look in them.

I definitely wasn’t prepared for the blunt force of his fist against the side of my face.

“Fucking shit,” I gasped, falling back on my ass, catching myself with a hand flat on the dirt behind me. Pain blossomed under my skin, and I raised a hand to my face to gingerly poke at the skin, grimacing when the pain spiked again. I rotated my jaw, but nothing felt broken, and whatever bruise might have formed was already healing.

I’d take whatever he threw at me. I deserved every swing.

But Kelly didn’t try and hit me again. I straightened up slowly, and wished I hadn’t when I saw the broken look on his face. “You left me,” he said, his voice shaking. I wanted to look away, couldn’t bear to see that hurt directed at me, but Kelly deserved better than that.

I swallowed down my pain, and somehow managed to keep my eyes on him. “I know.”

“You  _ left _ me.”

“I know.” I pushed it down and down and down, but it bubbled up anyway, escaping my throat in a sob. “Kelly —”

His face crumpled, and he pulled me into his arms again. “Never again,” he whispered hoarsely. “Never again, you fucking asshole.”

All I could do was nod helplessly at his neck, clutching at his shirt.

We stayed like that for another few minutes. The two of us kneeling in the dirt, and our family waiting in cars around the corner. Kelly exhaled slowly. “Did you find him?”

The memory of Gavin’s eyes flashed in front of mine, irritated and exasperated and impossibly tender. “Yeah. I found him."

Kelly was silent for a moment. “He’s not here with you.”

I pressed my face against his skin. I didn’t answer him.

He didn’t need me to. He held me tighter, and I breathed and breathed and breathed.

* * *

They gave me time. They didn’t press me for information when we returned to the house at the end of the lane. They gave me space when I entered my bedroom, and I didn’t know if it was for better or worse that Gavin’s scent had faded completely from the walls, the carpet, the furniture. I tuned out the sound of Kelly’s voice as he told them that Gavin was alive, that I’d seen him, that he couldn’t come home. That’s all I’d been able to tell him.

I knew I’d have to face them all. I’d come home for a reason. I’d left him behind for a reason.

Being home after all this time made me feel exactly as raw as I’d expected, and I hid in the shower, pressing my face against the cold tiles as I tried to hold myself together.

When I forced myself downstairs, wearing fresh clothes for the first time in far too long, the house was less crowded than I’d expected. I didn’t know whose doing it was, but I was grateful. Mom and Kelly were curled up together on the couch, and I walked over to them wordlessly, stretching out along the cushions to put my head in her lap, just like we’d done when I was a child.

I wasn’t a child anymore, but it didn’t matter. Her hands were in my hair instantly, smoothing it away from my forehead, bending over me to kiss my temple. I reached up blindly until Kelly’s hand found mine, twisting our fingers together, squeezing like he was never going to let me go.

It was inevitable, no matter what their intentions. There were only a few other heartbeats around the house, but it wasn’t long before Joe was sitting on the floor beside the couch, pulling my other arm down over his chest. Mark settled beside him, leaning his head back to rest against my knee.

None of us spoke for a long time. I didn’t ask where the others were. Gordo’s, probably, considering who was missing. I had expected, and still kind of did, for Joe to be demanding more of me, for him to rail at me for leaving, to demand an explanation, to come at me with the anger that Kelly had shown and more. But he waited, just like the others, squeezing my wrist every now and then to remind me that he was there.

I flattened my palm over his heart, and slowed my breathing in time with its beat.

Mom’s fingers continued to thread through my hair, slowly, carefully, her nails scratching at my scalp every now and then. I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly. Aside from… aside from Gavin, I’d been without closeness like this since before I’d left. I’d missed it more than I ever could have imagined, months and months on the road with only myself and a trail of harshly worded letters.

My hand tightened around Kelly’s, and he squeezed it right back.

Such an easy reunion sat at odds with what I’d expected, and it itched under my skin to know that they loved me enough for unquestionable forgiveness. I knew I still had to answer for myself, but they were giving me time for this, and it mattered. It mattered too much. I was a starving man, choking on too much affection too fast, but I never wanted it to stop. I cleared my throat, and aimed to ease the too tight squeeze around my heart. “I swear I bought you all presents while I was away, but I left them in Florida,” I joked half-heartedly.

Kelly was usually my partner in crime, so I was surprised when he remained silent. Or maybe not so surprised.  _ Definitely _ surprised when Joe decided to play along instead. “Did you at least see Disney World?”

“Yeah, it was great. Busy, though.”

Mark snorted quietly.

“We baked you a welcome back cake, but Robbie wolfed out and ate it all. Ten months ago. Hope you don’t mind.”

My chest was as tight as his grip around my arm. “Nah, bro,” I said, and I couldn’t stop the waver in my voice. “We’re cool.”

Kelly’s other hand grabbed mine so he held it in both of his, and I felt him lift it up to press it against his face. His cheeks were wet again. I turned mine against Mom’s leg.

I felt Joe’s sigh under my hand. “We have to talk. I know you weren’t gone for so long to return empty handed. When you’re ready, we’ll talk.”

Maybe it could wait. But maybe it couldn’t. I didn’t know if Robert had found what he’d needed in Kansas or not. “You’re right. We need to talk. Now.”

“I’ll get Ox back from the shop,” Joe said immediately, shifting his weight to pull his phone from his pocket.

“Gordo,” I said. “Gordo, too.”

He turned his head to look at me, and then nodded slowly. “Yeah, okay.”

Pushing himself up to his feet, Joe disappeared into another room with his phone to his ear. I started to relax back against Mom, her fingers light light light in my hair, but caught myself when Mark stood as well, clapping his hand on my leg. “Help me in the kitchen,” he said, and it wasn’t a request.

I felt Mom straighten as though to protest, and then sink back against the couch after exchanging a look with Mark that I couldn’t decipher. Kelly clung onto my hand for a few more seconds, but released it when I stood.

Mark’s super important thing in the kitchen was putting coffee on, but I set about helping him instead of questioning him about it. It wasn’t the fact that as wolves, we didn’t really need the benefits of caffeine — Gordo would appreciate it, and we sometimes drank it in solidarity or for the taste. I knew it wasn’t about the coffee at all, but I didn’t press him about it. He’d speak when he was ready, and in the meantime, I grabbed half a dozen mugs from the same cupboard they’d lived in for as long as I’d been alive.

Some things never changed, and that settled something inside me.

Not long after I’d met him, Ox had tried to explain to us the type of relationship he had with Gordo. The most accurate description he could come up with was father-brother-friend. An unceasing presence that was strong, stable, safe. I’d known what he’d meant immediately. As we’d grown up, Elizabeth had always been there for all of her boys, but Thomas… After Joe had been born, his responsibilities had changed. Joe was his pride and joy, his Alpha-to-be, his little prince. We were all his sons, but he had less time for me and Kelly after that.

Mark had been there. Always. For all of us, no matter what. Mark was my uncle. But he was my father-brother-friend too.

“I don’t know what happened while you were gone,” he said in that quiet way of his. I turned from the fridge, creamer in hand, to see his eyes soft on me. “But Kelly told us that you found him. And Gordo’s not going to want to talk about it. At all.”

“He’s going to have to hear it. He’s his brother. It matters.”

The corner of Mark’s mouth twisted up into a small smile. “Oh, he definitely needs to hear it. Just be warned that you’re going to have to make him listen.”

“I’m good at being hard to ignore,” I said, sinking onto a stool.

Mark’s hand covered my shoulder and squeezed. “Carter,” he said, and then wrapped his arms around me. His beard scratched against my cheek, and I rubbed my hand over his bare head, because it was a crime that he didn’t smell like me. “It’ll be okay.”

And suddenly, my throat was tight again, the weight of too much emotional dissonance strangling me.  _ How do you know that? _ I wanted to shout at him, even as his grip on my shoulder tightened even more. Dropping my head against his shoulder, I took a deep breath, and reminded myself that Mark had spent most of his life without his mate by his side. To me, Mark and Gordo had always seemed inevitable, constantly drawn together even when it had seemed impossible.

I’d never asked him if he’d held onto hope the whole time.

Hope was a terrifying concept, after so long chasing ghosts.

But the feeling of Gavin’s skin against my skin was a fresh burn in my memory, and I clung to that hope no matter how it ached.

* * *

Seven of us crowded Joe and Ox’s office. We might have well just staying in the living room. But this felt right.

Joe and Ox sat side by side behind the desk that had once belonged to our father. Mom sat on one of the chairs opposite, looking far more calm than Kelly did, who was perched nervously on the edge of his seat. Gordo leaned back against the windowsill, Mark by his side.

I froze near the door. Did I still belong at Joe’s right hand? Had he replaced me? Kelly, maybe? Yeah, that would make sense, that was good, he should have he should have it was the right thing it was —

Joe cleared his throat. His eyes held mine firmly as he inclined his head slightly toward his right, and I let my breath out unevenly as I somehow managed to make my legs carry me across the room to stand by his side.

“Where have —” Gordo started, but cut off when Ox interrupted him, leaning forward to put his elbows on the desk in front of him.

“Is he okay?” he asked me seriously.

I glanced quickly at Gordo, but he didn’t react to being interrupted. I realised just how little I’d paid attention to anyone else’s pain before I’d left to chase after Gavin, and wondered how deep he’d buried any semblance of concern underneath anger and sarcasm. But he couldn’t fool me.

“He’s about as okay as I am,” I said, turning back to look at Ox. “Except he’s still with psycho-monster-dad. No offense,” I added to Gordo.

He rolled his eyes, but his mouth was tight. “By choice?”

And of course he was going to throw ice at me until I could break him down. Mark hadn’t been kidding about him not making this easy. “To stop Robert from hurting more people to get him back. Again.”

Kelly paled slightly, and I could tell that, all this time later, he was still haunted by Robbie’s disappearance. It felt uncomfortable to be defending his choices when, only yesterday, I’d fought against them. I understood what he was doing, even if it was stupid and reckless and threatened to tear me apart.

“So he’s still a human, then?” Ox asked. “Gavin?”

“Yeah. I saw him shift, and it didn’t feel different than any other wolf.”

Kelly leaned a little further forward in his chair, until I was fairly sure that he was half an inch away from falling out of it. “Do you know what kept him as a wolf for so long?”

I didn’t. Was it bad that I didn’t? I’d felt so overcome with the idea of seeing him, with fighting to bring him home, with taking what I could of him while we were together, that questions like that had been the furthest from my mind. “No.”

“I keep thinking of that man at the lake,” Joe said slowly. “How he was stuck like that for so long. How Elijah had him chained —” He cut off sharply, curling his hands into fists, and it was only then that I realised that mine were clenched and shaking by my sides. “All of this because Abel made Wendy give him up.” I glanced at Gordo again, and found his face carefully neutral. “How did he get there?”

When I turned back to Joe, he was looking at me helplessly, and I was thrown adrift from my anger by the strength of the pain and frustration in his voice. It cut at me again that I didn’t have an answer for him.  _ I didn’t know _ .

Ox’s hand settled on Joe’s shoulder, but his eyes were on me, too. Joe took a deep breath, visibly steadying himself. “And now he’s stuck with Robert,” he said, defeated.

“He had some good years in between,” Elizabeth said, soft but firm. She sat straight-backed in her chair, her chin raised in determination. “And we’ll get him back.”

I loved her so fucking much.

The room was silent for a few long moments. Ox turned back to me, but the way he glanced towards Gordo every now and then told me that this was a conversation they’d had many times over the last few months. “How is he a wolf if he’s a Livingstone? The tattoos only help you control the magic that you already have access to, right? So how didn’t he die when he was turned?”

I pressed my lips together. “I don’t know that either.”

Gordo made a deep grunt of frustration. “What did you two idiots talk  _ about, _ then?”

I turned my head to look at him, met his eye evenly from across the room. I understood his irritation, even as it rankled that he was so frustrated despite putting so much effort into convincing everyone that he didn’t care. I understood, but also, fuck him. I smiled at him as broadly as I could, far much more than I actually felt. “So, buttsex is pretty great, huh.”

The whole room groaned, and I felt a deep satisfaction as Gordo told me to fuck off. “Wonderful,” Mom said dryly, and I felt a frazzled combination of embarrassed and pleased and fucking heartbroken, because she was smiling at me but  _ Gavin wasn’t here _ , and nothing would feel right again until I brought him home.

And I’d come home without him for a reason. Swallowing down my grief, I turned to Gordo. “Robert’s going after witches.”

I told him everything that I knew, the small amount of information that Gavin had given me. That Robert was looking for someone or something, and once he’d found it, he was going to start gathering witches. That Gavin suspected that they wouldn’t survive the encounter. That Gordo was definitely going to be on his hit list. Everyone listened in silence, including Gordo, although his grimace got more and more pronounced the longer I spoke.

“We have to warn them,” Mark said once I’d finished.

But Gordo’s grimace had deepened into a scowl by this point, and he crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back against the window. “I’m skeptical of your sources,” he said flatly.

And I was done. I was done with him pretending that he didn’t care, and I was done with him refusing to give Gavin a chance just because of who he was, when he’d given up everything to save my  _ life _ . “Okay, you can fuck right off if you don’t think that everything Gavin’s done since he left was to protect us.”

“Carter,” Joe said, and then shot Gordo a warning look the second he opened his mouth.

“Can we not argue when he’s only been home for five goddamn minutes?” Kelly said.

He sounded distressed, and I immediately had to fix it. “Says the person who punched me in the face,” I said, stepping around the desk to kick playfully at his ankle. He reached out and took my hand again, and I remained by his side, grounded by his palm against mine.

“We trust Gavin,” Ox said firmly, and I let out my breath in relief. “He’s one of us. Of course we trust him.”

We talked through a plan, and half an hour later, Ox and Joe left to update everyone at the garage. Gordo made to follow them, but stopped when I caught his arm. “Please,” I said, and he knew what I wanted.

“I’m busy, Carter,” he said tightly, without turning around. “The world doesn’t stop spinning just because you decide to come back from your vacation.”

I let it slide. I knew exactly what he was doing. “I should hope not,” I said lightly. “I’m not a science guy, but that does not sound like a fun time.”

His shoulders sagged. I let him go when he pulled out of my grip, uncertain whether I’d get away with it if I followed him out of the room and badgered him until he listened to me. So I was surprised when he closed the door, with just the two of us inside.

It took him another few seconds before he turned around. He leaned back against the door, watching me warily. “Is he…” He paused, and I watched the fingers of his left hand twitch. “I know he’s not okay. But is he okay?”

I didn’t bother to try and hide my surprise — I knew it must be broadcast all over my face. I hadn’t expected him to want to talk about it, even before Mark had warned me. I knew him better than to think he didn’t care, but I didn’t think he’d be ready to admit it so easily. Slowly, I stepped back to sit on the edge of the desk. Leaned forward to push a stack of post-its out of the way, and then sat again.

Pausing, I looked at Gordo,  _ really _ looked at him. At all of the ways they were different, and all of the ways they were the same. The scowl was a giveaway, but so were the shape of his eyes, the colour of his hair. Gavin’s jaw was a little more angular, I thought. His cheekbones a little more pronounced. I wondered what Gordo would say if I told him that his brother had prettier cheekbones than he did.

I didn’t want to risk it today, but I’d save it for later.

“He’s hard,” I told him instead. “Like you, but for different reasons. Well, for the same reason — to protect yourselves.” I ignored his eye roll. “But it hasn’t taken him over completely,” I continued softly, forcing the words past the lump in my throat. “He was gentle, too. Every rough edge was to try to keep me safe. Me, you, the whole pack. But he... he let himself be loved. So no, he’s not okay, no matter what he says, but… but if we bring him home, then he could be. I believe he could be.”

As I spoke, Gordo’s arms crossed and then uncrossed, and now he was pressing his thumb and his middle finger against his temples. Which was a great way for him to cover his eyes, I noticed. When he lowered his hand and looked at me once more, I was prepared for all of his pretence to be gone, but the lost look in his eyes still shook me to my core. “I don’t know how to be someone’s brother,” he said. “The only family I’ve ever known has either been taken from me or turned against me.”

Was that really what he thought? I wanted to shake him. Probably as much as he wanted to shake me. “I think you’ve done a pretty good job of being a brother to everyone in this pack for the last fifteen years,” I told him. “Longer, for most of the shop boys.”

He stared at me, and then his eyes slid closed. “Goddamn it,” he breathed. I didn’t let myself think about it. Pushing off from the desk, I crossed the room. “Fucking werewolves,” he muttered when I put my hand on the back of his neck, but he didn’t push me away.

It took him a few seconds, but he eventually dropped his head against my shoulder, and it felt so good to breathe him in. It wasn’t quite like Gavin — and like,  _ good _ — but I could feel the similarities between them.

And more than that, it just felt good to be back with Gordo. Gordo was pack, even if the bonds between us were only the question of light in the darkness. Gordo was  _ family _ . And, someday soon, we were going to bring the rest of our family home.

* * *

We called around to all of the witches that we knew, some of whom we had access to through Joe’s king Alpha status, and some of whom were Gordo’s contacts. The list was longer than it had been when I’d left. I’d expected the opposite. Ox noticed my confusion. “There’s still a lot less of them than there used to be. Some have gone into hiding. But some have come forward to help in the fight. Whenever it comes. Joe did this,” he said, and I could hear the pride in his voice. “Joe and Gordo.”

“Is that what you’ve been doing?” I asked him, reading through the names again instead of looking at him. “While I was gone? Gathering witches?”

I could feel the pull of him, the  _ alphaalphaalpha _ of him. I’d been home for a  _ day _ , and he was already pulling me back, pulling me in, branding me his. I clung back without shame, but the Omega in me wasn’t tamed, not quite yet. I didn’t think it would be long.

Ox’s hand settled on my shoulder, firm and comforting. It wouldn’t be long at all.

“Gathering them. Training them. No one wants to leave their territory for long, but we’ve found strength in each other. Witches and wolves together, more than there’s been in a long time.”

“Good,” I whispered, and hoped that it would be enough. I’d seen that thing from our nightmares, felt it’s magic clawing down my throat. I had to get Gavin away from him. I couldn’t let anyone else get hurt either. I traced my finger down the list of names, counting the people who might be saved because I’d come home.

Ox squeezed my shoulder. I put my hand over his, accepting the strength that he offered me.

_ packpackpack _

* * *

Home was almost the same as I’d left it.

Except for the things that were completely different.

I sat at the kitchen island, peeling whatever vegetables Mom put in front of me. She had set herself up on the opposite side from me and was quartering potatoes. There was already a big pile of carrots and sweet potatoes and pumpkin waiting to be seasoned, far more than we would need if it were just the family.

It wasn’t Sunday Tradition for another few days, but most of the pack had been by the last three nights anyway, ever since I’d gotten back. They weren’t so good at the whole giving me space thing.

I loved them for it.

It would have been peaceful, if not for the wailing that was coming from the small human in Tanner’s arms.

“I’m coming,  _ mija _ ,” Rico murmured, pulling the tiny container from the fridge. He looked surprisingly calm, but there was a tightness around his eyes as he grabbed the little plastic spoon and crossed the kitchen toward us. “All right, let me take her,” he said, holding his free arm out for Tanner to hand his daughter over.

Tanner leaned back slightly in his seat, holding his arms more tightly around the baby. “You never let me feed her.”

“You feed her all the time.”

“Yeah but I want to now,” Tanner said, adjusting her until he supported her with one arm and reached out for the container, which appeared to be filled with some kind of fruit mush. He didn’t take his eyes off of her, grinning from ear to ear. “Besides, she wants Uncle Tanner to feed her anyway, don’t you, Carly?”

Rico put the container on the bench in front of Tanner, who scooped up a small amount of the puree and brought it up to Carly’s mouth. It wasn’t long at all before she’d quietened. I watched Rico watching them, thoroughly enraptured with his little girl, and felt out of place in a way that I never had in this house before. “You’re a dad,” I said, ignoring the surprise on Rico’s face when he looked up at me. “Like, for real.”

I’d known that that was a thing that was going to happen, but. Rico had a goddamn  _ baby _ .

It was incredible. It was amazing. She was perfect.

She was also a ten month old reminder of the life that I’d missed.

Rico’s grin took up his whole face, full of pride and delight and wonder. “Fuck yeah I am. I’m kicking fatherhood’s ass.”

He held his fist out for Tanner to bump it, before realising that both of his hands were occupied. Unperturbed, he took Carly’s tiny hand, curled her fingers into a loose fist, and tapped his knuckles lightly against it.

It felt strange to think that this beautiful normalcy had been happening while I’d been gone. It hurt in the best way. I glanced up, and found Mom watching me with an achingly fond smile on her face, and knew she felt it too.

I was passing the last peeled potato across to her when I heard the front door open. Standing up, I crossed to the sink to wash my hands, and glanced over my shoulder at Joe as he entered the kitchen. He was dressed in his running clothes: shorts and a thin t-shirt that would have been unbearable in the winter chill for a human. “Hey,” he said to the room at large, pausing to kiss Mom on the cheek before turning back to the stack of mail in his hand.

“Anything for me?” Tanner said.

“You can have this bill if you want.”

“Sure. What’s the pack account details again?”

Joe snorted quietly as he continued to leaf through the letters. I was drying my hands on a dish towel when I saw his eyebrows draw down and then fly up again in the space of half a second. He glanced up at me, and I heard the slight jump in his heartbeat. “What is it?” I asked, shoving the towel back onto the bench behind me.

I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, on Joe. Carly made a gurgling sound, and Tanner shushed her gently. Joe looked back at the letters in his hand. “It’s…” Trailing off, he shook his head, apparently giving up on words as he slid a letter from the pile and held it out to me.

Except it wasn’t a letter. It was a postcard.

I caught a glimpse of sunflowers, of large, bright letters spelling out  _ Wichita _ before I flipped it over. The back of it was blank, except for my name and address written in a hasty scribble.

“What’s it say?” Rico whispered loudly.

“It’s blank,” Joe told them.

“Yeah,” I said, forcing the word out through the lump in my throat. My hands — fuck, my hands were fucking  _ shaking _ . “He’s got a real way with words.”

“Good to know that runs in the family,” Tanner said.

Steady hands covered mine, and I tore my eyes away from the postcard. Mom’s eyes were soft and her soul was blue, and I didn’t fight her when she turned the postcard over to see the image on the front. “Wichita?”

“It’s where I found him.” Her free hand gathered mine, and I held it tightly, trying to keep myself together. “About an hour south.”

“Are you expecting more of these?” She spoke quietly, just for us, even though everyone in the room could have heard her.

_ Let me know you’re safe _ . I hadn’t been sure he’d actually do it. Wichita. He must have sent this right after he’d left the motel. I traced my finger over the letters of my name, picturing him ducking into a convenience store or something on his way to meet back up with Robert. It would have been so easy for him to distance himself from me in order to do what he needed to do. To pretend that our night together hadn’t happened. But this, here, was the evidence that it meant something. That he was letting himself hold onto me.

_ Please be safe, please Gavin. I need you safe.  _ Worry and relief spilled over each other in my gut until I felt sick with it.

“Yes,” I told her, because I couldn’t handle the other option.

“Okay,” she said, and turned away.

Walking up to the fridge, Mom started clearing the front of the fridge. Magnets, photos, an affirmative message that she’d printed out and stuck there — all of it ended up in a pile on the kitchen counter. I stared at her, choking on grief and hope and my love for her, when she stepped back.

Wordlessly, I took the tiny magnet that she held out to me. I hadn’t expected her not to care. I  _ knew  _ they all cared. But it still hit me, again and again, just how much she saw me.

I stuck the postcard to the top left corner, a spot of bright colour against the steel. There was so much empty space, and I trembled at the idea of having to fill it.

But he was okay. He was safe, and he wanted me to know it.

“We’re going to watch over him,” Mom said, slipping her arm through mine and leaning her head against my shoulder. Somebody sighed behind me, and Carly made a sound. “As best we can.”

It didn’t feel like enough.

It was all I had, and I clung to it with everything in me.

* * *

The list of witches was long.

Not everyone answered.

* * *

Wichita. Sioux Falls. Colorado Springs.

There didn't seem to be any order to it. The postcards came in far more frequently than I’d dared to hope for, one every few days. I put them up side by side on the fridge, each image a promise that Gavin was safe enough to let me know he was okay. That he was thinking of me. It was hard to comprehend that this was the same person who’d left me note after note telling me that he didn’t want me chasing after him, that he didn’t want me at all.

These postcards were as much of a love letter as those notes were.

I sat on the back porch with the latest postcard in my hands. The sun had been down for a few hours now, and the porch was awash in soft light from the moon, the stars, the light through the kitchen window. I lay on my back on the wicker couch, my head propped up by a stack of cushions, committing the image to memory. The bears, the trees, the banner that read  _ Yellowstone National Park _ wasn’t as interesting to me as the curve of the letters of my name, or the way he crossed his ‘t’s.

The back door slid open, and I sat up immediately to make room for Kelly as he walked over. Holding the postcard carefully, I readjusted the cushions with my other hand, bunching them up between my side and the arm of the couch. Kelly sat down beside me and leaned into me, slipping his arm through mine and resting his head on my shoulder.

We didn’t speak for a long time, and the silence between us was heavy but comfortable. I turned my head to bury my nose in his hair, closing my eyes and letting myself just  _ be _ in this moment with him.

I hadn’t known it was possible to miss someone as much as I’d missed him.

Eventually, he shifted slightly against me, rearranging himself to get a better look at the postcard. I handed it across to him, and was both unsurprised and touched when he handled it with as much care as I did. “He’s still not writing anything on them?” he asked, showing me the blank message section.

“I don’t think that heartfelt notes about how much he misses me fits his style,” I said. “His style being: grumpy-ass motherfucker who only admits how he feels after being chased around the country for a year.”

Kelly turned it over to look at the image on the front. I tried not to think about how close he’d been, just a few days ago. How easy it would be to get in my car and go after him. I could catch up to him, I could find him again, I knew I could.

But what would happen then? He wouldn’t come home with me, not yet. At best, we’d sneak another night together. At worst —

I didn’t want to think about what ‘worst’ could be.

“I was thinking about Gavin,” Kelly said after a while. “About how his mom was made to give him up. How our family…” He trailed off, and I knew what he was thinking. That Abel had been the one to make her do it. I hoped that he’d had a good childhood, before whatever had led him to being Elijah’s prisoner. The memory of the silver chain embedded into his neck sent a rush of anger through me, despite the fact that it had been gone for years.

“Do you think he was happy?” I said, diving headfirst into a spiral of doubt and regret.  _ How did I not see if for so long? _ “While he was with us?”

“Of course he was,” Kelly said fiercely. “And he will be again, when he comes home.”

I took the postcard back and set it in my lap. I wanted to put it up with the others again, to see the trail that he was leaving me. I wanted to take them all down and hide them in my room, selfishly mine and mine alone. I wanted  _ him here with me. _

I tried to imagine him living in this house as a human. Imaginary Gavin walked up the stairs, pausing to smile and roll his eyes at me before heading inside, and I let my breath out slowly, trying to ease the ache in my heart. I thought it had been bad enough before he’d let me catch up to him, but now the longing threatened to drag me under.

“It hurts so much,” I confessed, my voice thin and small. Kelly’s hand slid into mine, his fingers curling around mine protectively. “I feel like I should wish that we hadn’t been together, that I’d never found him, because all of this is so much harder now. But, Kelly?” He turned his head to look at me, and I met his eyes, needing him to hear how much I meant it. “I wouldn’t trade a second of it for anything.”

His eyes were shining, and his smile sad, but he didn’t look away. “I know,” he said. “Even when it’s hard. Even when you think they’re never coming home. Even when you think that you’ll never be happy again. You still can’t wish those moments away.”

And of course he knew. I tightened my grip on his hand, not sure whether I was giving comfort or taking it. “I’m sorry I didn’t understand what it was like.”

Slowly, he dropped his head back onto my shoulder, his side pressed firmly up against mine. “I’m sorry that you do,” he said.

It clicked into place as quietly as it had the first time. The pack bonds had been steadily rebuilding over the last few days, but they paled in comparison to the warm glow that rose up between the two of us, a link that breathed  _ safe _ and murmured  _ mine. Tether _ . The bond between us was ingrained in our blood and tattooed onto our hearts. The Omega in me had been growing quieter and quieter for every passing day.

It was a sigh of relief, a weight off my shoulders, a calm in the storm.

Kelly felt it the moment I did. “Carter?” Pulling back, he turned toward me urgently, his eyes flashing orange, begging a response. I flashed mine back at him. “Oh,” he said dejectedly, his face falling, before — “Oh!”

“Yeah?” I said hopefully, my heart pounding in my chest for the sudden relief in his voice.  _ Orange, orange, please tell me they’re orange. _

The tips of his fingers brushed the skin next to my eyes. “There you are,” he whispered.

* * *

We waited for contact from the witches who hadn’t responded to our calls. And waited, and waited. Half a dozen lone witches across the country, and a coven of four in South Dakota.

Gavin and Robert had been in South Dakota.

Joe and Ox wanted to close ranks. They wanted to seek them out and make sure they were okay. They wanted to keep our pack safe, but it wasn’t just about us anymore.

We sent out two groups. Mom, Tanner, and Rico. Chris, Jessie, and Dominique. Ox, Joe and Gordo were to stay behind to keep contact with the other witches and the packs. Bambi was pack, and she more than held her own from the sparring I’d seen, but she didn’t want to leave Carly. I was pretty sure they were keeping Robbie out of Robert’s way, and Kelly went where Robbie went these days.

I wasn’t sure if they kept me home because they knew how much I’d missed it, or because they didn’t trust me not to go after Gavin at the slightest hint of him nearby.

I wouldn’t have trusted me, either.

The night before they left, Mom knocked on my bedroom door. Another postcard had come that morning, and I sat curled up on my bed, taking in every detail of sea and sand, umbrellas and sun,  _ Greetings from Virginia Beach _ in curled letters across the top. He couldn’t be further from me and still be in the same country.

I found a smile from Mom as she lowered herself onto the bed beside me. She put her hand on my wrist, but didn’t try and take the postcard.

_ I wish you weren’t going.  _ I caught the words before they fell, and gratefully. I’d left her behind too many times to throw something like that at her, no matter that I didn’t mean it harshly. She’d be back in a few days. A week or two at most. She had a friend in California who we hadn’t heard from, and I wasn’t going to stop her from making sure she was safe.

At least California was a very long way away from Virginia Beach.

"You wouldn't recognise the Gordo that Robert first introduced us to," she said. She kept her eyes straight ahead, smiling at whatever memory she was holding in her mind, and I instantly wanted to be a part of it. "He was young, only six if I remember correctly, and he was so full of life. Full of joy. Things weren't perfect for him, far from it, but he was happy, especially then, and he loved Thomas so much. He was a part of our pack long before he became the Bennett witch."

She spoke softly, in that way she did where it didn’t matter if I was going to contribute or not. I used to find it annoying, but I knew the strength of her wisdom now, and I wasn't going to turn it away.

"It was good for me, and especially Thomas, to have that familial bond with him. To make him feel wanted, for him to be a part of our family." She paused, her brow furrowing slightly. "We made a lot of mistakes, with the pack, and with Gordo in particular. There are so many things I would change if I could. But we had something good, for a while."

I wondered how different our lives would be if we'd stayed in Green Creek, if we hadn't left Gordo behind. If Gordo had grown up with us, if Gavin had grown up with us. There were so many what ifs. "I miss those days," I said.

She turned to me, eyebrow raised. "Honey. You were two."

I grinned at her. "And so blissfully happy."

"Blissfully ignorant," she said with a smile, but the smile faded quickly as she reached across to brush my cheek. She regarded me sadly, and I felt an answering twinge of feeling from deep in my chest. “It hurts not to know whether Gavin had that,” she said, and  _ oh. _ Oh, the fist that gripped my heart squeezed and squeezed. “A family who loved him. I hope that he did. But whatever it was like for him growing up, whatever he had to go through, I know that he was happy here. With this pack. With this family. With you.”

Her hand slipped into mine, and she pulled it, trembling, to her cheek. I closed my eyes, unable to bear the sincerity in hers. “Mom,” I said weakly.

“And one day he’ll come home,” she said, her voice quiet but strong, and I wondered if it could be strong enough to hold me together, “and we’ll learn his story if he decides to honour us with it, and we’re going to hold him as close as anyone else who belongs to us.” Her other hand reached across to cup my face, her thumb brushing across my cheek. “I’m sorry you couldn’t bring him home with you, but we’ll find a way,” she whispered fervently. “Because that’s what we do. We protect our own.”

A sob escaped my throat, and then she was pulling my head down against her chest, holding me close. She threaded her fingers again and again through my hair, rubbing small circles into my back with her other hand as I cried, her heartbeat steady and reassuring against my ear.

For a few minutes, at least, I could pretend that she could protect me from the fear living in my heart.

* * *

Three nights after the others had left, the seven of us were sitting around the kitchen table, eating pizza for dinner and not talking about the fact that it was the third night in a row that we’d eaten pizza for dinner.

Instead, we were searching through a stack of books that Joe had brought back with him from Caswell. Gordo hoped that we might find a mention of something that he’d remembered hearing about decades ago, a spell that could stop someone from feeling the moon’s call to shift. A spell put aside and forgotten, because the cost was several gallons of witch blood.

I wasn’t sure if I thought it was something he’d actually heard Robert or Dad or whoever talking about, or whether he was twisting half-forgotten memories to be something that we could use, but we had to try. The books were from Michelle’s office. Now, Joe’s office. I didn’t know how many of Robert’s things had been stashed in there when he’d had a place of his own, but maybe she’d have something that would prove useful.

Licking pizza sauce from my fingers, I turned the last page of a transcript of reports between some guy who had been the Alpha of all two hundred years ago and a random witch from Mexico, and closes the book with a sigh. “Well, I can tell you all about the Lopez pack and how these reports to king Alpha are poorly concealed love letters from their witch, but not so much how to stop a wolf-witch from murdering every witch he can get his hands on.”

“I wanna read the love letters,” Kelly mumbled, thumbing through a book that looked just as thrilling as mine. “It’d be more interesting than this.”

“Where’s your love for history?” Robbie said distractedly, far more engrossed in the pages before him than anyone else.

“Buried under a list of runes three hundred pages long that I don’t understand.”

Gordo made a sound, low and irritable. “Those runes have saved your ass more than once.”

“And we’re very, very grateful,” Robbie told him with a grin, and we all pretended not to hear Gordo’s muttered response. “Anyway, this one’s actually really interesting! Did you know that your great-great-grandfather —”

“Oh shit,” Joe said softly, and I looked up at him immediately, warned by the tremor of shock that flowed through the bonds. “ _ Oh shit. _ ”

Kelly exchanged a glance with me before leaning over Joe’s shoulder. His eyes widened immediately. “Jesus, it’s  _ Robert. _ ”

“Yeah, but…” He put his finger on the page, and turned to his left to look at Ox. Dread was coming off of him in  _ waves. _

Ox put his hand on Joe’s back as he looked down at the page. And then the blood drained from his face.

I was on my feet immediately, and around the table the second after. The drawing caught my eye first, an image of something like a wolf but  _ worse _ , a beast on its hind legs, with too-long claws and grotesquely bulging muscles and —

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly, pushing away the memory of blood and broken bones and fear, of claws around my throat, of  _ Don’t want. Pack. Don’t want. You. _

I breathed in, I breathed out. I was okay. Gavin was okay. Opening my eyes, I looked back to the page, to the section that Joe was pointing at. It was a handwritten note in the margins.

Ox’s name. In my father’s handwriting.

“I’ve seen this before,” Robbie said, and then froze when we all looked up at him in surprise. “In Michelle’s office. I didn’t know what it was at the time, and I guess I forgot about it until now.” Kelly’s mouth tightened, but Robbie’s hand was already a comfort on his shoulder, and I was eternally grateful for Robbie Fontaine.

Ox dropped his hand from Joe’s back to trace his name on the page. “He knew,” he said, his voice full of wonder and confusion. “He knew what I was.” He looked up at the rest of us, a complicated expression on his face. It looked a little like grief. “We thought he just knew that I was different, but…  _ Alpha _ . He  _ knew _ .”

“Did he know how?” Mark asked. He was frowning, and it was like I could read his thoughts. He’d been my father’s second, but he hadn’t known about this. He hadn’t known about Gavin.  _ What else did he hide from Mark? What else did he hide from all of us? _

Ox shook his head helplessly, turning back to the page.

“‘But if this is true’” Joe read aloud, “‘if the beast can rise, then an equal and opposite must also rise.’”

“But I'm not that. I’m an Alpha, but the same way that Joe’s an Alpha —”

“Sure, Alpha to the Omegas,” Gordo said dryly. “Human Alpha. Just like Joe.”

Ox let out his breath heavily and pushed back from the table, and I stepped back to give him room to get up. He paced the room, more agitated than I’d seen him in a long time. This was different, I knew. Even after all this time, even after all of the love that we gave him, there was still a tiny part of him that insisted that he wasn’t this person, that he couldn’t be the one to save us all.

It’s okay. We could believe it for him.

“The truth is, we don't know what you are,” Gordo said. He walked slowly back to the other side of the table, sitting down beside Mark, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully as he watched Ox. “What you can do. Not really.”

“I'm strong because of my pack. Because of you,” Ox said firmly, stopping his pacing to look around at each of us. I felt the weight of his gaze on me, and tried to be worthy of it. “Whatever I can do is because of all of you.”

“We haven't been able to defeat him before,” Gordo said. “We were useless against him in Caswell. Thomas thought you were strong enough, but we tried, and we failed. He must have had a reason for thinking you could bring him down.” He didn’t mention that the only reason we survived it was because of Gavin, but I caught the glance he threw my way and knew he was thinking it.

Ox made a sound of frustration. “I don’t know what this means. I don’t know why the territory made me like this. I don’t know what it wants me to do.”

“It’d be nice if it could make you even stronger,” Joe muttered.

I could see the tension in his shoulders, could feel his worry like it was my own. It was my own, but amplified ten-fold. “Maybe if you asked it nicely,” I said, hoping for at least an eye roll and for his shoulders to loosen, even if it were just a little.

Kelly snorted half-heartedly. But Gordo. Gordo was looking at me strangely, his eyes sharp. Standing up, he pulled his phone out of his pocket, and I held back a laugh. "I didn't mean —"

"Ailene, hi," he said, and I sighed. "What do you think about…"

* * *

“Are we sure this is going to work?”

We’d gathered in the clearing just after dawn. I felt exhaustion in my bones — knowing that I had to be up early had made it impossible to fall asleep, and it felt like I’d only just started to drift when Kelly had shaken me awake half an hour ago.

“The real question is, can’t we do this inside?” Joe grumbled, and then cast an apologetic glance to the three witches, who would be feeling the cold far more than he did.

Ailene scoffed, and I couldn’t blame her. “This place is sacred to the pack,” she said, for what was probably the fifth time. “Therefore, it is sacred to the territory, and so this is where it must be done.”

It was snowing lightly, and Gordo’s nose was red with the mid-December chill. Patrice clapped his hands together, making a dull thudding sound through his gloves.

“I’m pretty sure Ox finds his and Joe’s bedroom pretty sacred,” Robbie said, and then grunted when Kelly elbowed him in the ribs. Mark hid a smile behind his hand.

A pile of blankets and pillows lay on the grass beside us, but Ox ignored them with as much ease as he ignored Robbie, sitting on the cold bare ground instead. Closing his eyes, he put his hands flat on the ground. He breathed in, filling his lungs with the cold forest air, and it wasn’t until I exhaled that I realised I was breathing in and out in time with him. “Okay,” he said, and all I felt was calm. “What do I do?”

Patrice was smiling. “Your instincts are already guiding you,” he said, looking pointedly down at Ox’s hands in the dirt. “Da territory has been pulling at you for as long as it’s known you, long before you were aware of it. You had Gordo’s strength ta hold you steady, and then da Bennett pack. Da territory gave you what you needed ta protect da territory, and you became what da territory needed ta protect it.”

Ox opened his eyes, frowning up at Patrice. “I became what I needed to protect the pack,” he corrected.

Ailene tutted loudly. “Pack, territory. Territory, pack. One and the same.”

“Da territory made you strong,” Patrice continued, as though he hadn’t been interrupted. “Made you an Alpha. Maybe it can make you more, if it needs da same ting from you dat you need from it. You need ta give yourself over to it, heart and soul, blood and bone, and maybe it will answer. If it will answer anyone, Alpha Matheson of da Bennett pack, it will be you.”

“It already has me,” Ox said. “It has all of me.”

“It knows dis,” he said gravely. “Give it more. Give it everything.”

I exchanged an uneasy glance with Joe. I didn’t know how much more we had to give, but I knew that Ox would take ‘give it everything’ literally if he thought it would help. “And you're sure this is safe,” I said carefully.

“As long as you keep him grounded.” Gordo produced a length of thin white rope from his pocket. “As long as his mate is here to call him home, he won't lose himself to it.”

“I thought you said you didn't know what was going to happen,” Kelly said.

Gordo’s mouth was tight. “This will work, whatever happens.”

If it were anyone else, I would have questioned him. Instead, I stepped forward to take the rope from him as Joe settled himself on the grass at Ox’s side. Joe took his hand, threading their fingers together, and I knelt before them, wrapping the rope around their wrists, up over their joined hands and back down again. Ox reached up with his other hand to squeeze my arm.

“Instincts,” Patrice said, and he was smiling.

“Seconds, by your Alphas,” Ailene said. “Joe is the only one who needs to remain by him until Ox gets back, but your strength will help Ox’s mind slip safely into the connection with the territory.” I straightened up slowly, stepping back as Mark approached Ox. He stood behind him, setting his hand on his shoulder.

I turned to Joe. His head was tilted back, his eyes open as he looked up at me. I’d been home for three weeks, and it still hit me hard to think that he hadn’t put someone else in my place, that there wasn’t someone else he wanted by his right hand more than me. Someone more reliable. I would have understood. It would have hurt, but I would have got it.

But Ailene said ‘second’, and there was no one else he looked at but me.

“And that’s it?” Kelly asked hesitantly.

“And you've got to eat this," Ailene said, pulling a wad of something from her pocket.

“There it is,” Robbie muttered.

“You don't know how long it will take?” Kelly asked, as though we hadn’t been over this a dozen times already. I was one part exasperated with all of us, and one (big) part tripping over myself with concern.

“It'll take as long as it takes,” Patrice said. “It could be minutes, it could be days.”

"Okay," Ox said, and that was that.

Without hesitation, he put the lump of what looked like a fistful of grass and dirt into his mouth, chewed a few times, and then swallowed. Straightening his shoulders, he held himself ready, and it was only a moment before his brow twitched, his eyes widening slowly before his eyelids started to droop. “Oh,” he said thickly, tilting a little to the side, but Joe and Mark held him steady. His other hand was flat on the ground again, his fingers digging through the light layer of snow, through the grass and into the earth.

His eyes closed, and he was still, but for the slow movement of his chest as he breathed.

We waited. And waited.

“Guess it's not going to be minutes,” Robbie said, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Mark hummed in quiet agreement.

Spreading the blankets around Ox and Joe, the rest of us settled down on the ground. I watched Ox’s face, serene and peaceful, his shoulder pressed against Joe’s, their joined hands in his lap. I still didn’t quite understand the mechanics of what he was doing, but I didn’t really expect to. I could feel the territory underneath us, the call of  _ home _ in a way that wasn’t quite a place and wasn’t quite a people but a little of both, but I didn’t have the same connection to it that Ox and Joe did. That Gordo did. The territory existed because of them, and all of the Alphas that had come beforehand, and they got their power from the territory. I got my power from them.

I could feel Joe’s worry growing the longer that time stretched out, but there was nothing we could do but wait, and keep Ox tethered to his body as his soul called out to the earth.

After an hour or so, Ailene and Patrice went back to the house. Robbie went with them, and returned a short time later with a bag full of water bottles and a bunch of sandwiches which were, upon inspection, actually safe to eat.

Midafternoon came and went, and Ox showed no signs of waking up. We would have stayed, but Joe shoed us off with the promise that we’d know the second anything happened, and please could you bring me back something for dinner if he’s not awake by then?

We made sure that the blankets and water were in easy reach, and then reluctantly headed back to the house. “Are you sure it’s okay to leave him?” Kelly asked nervously as we walked.

Gordo glanced back over his shoulder, but the clearing was long hidden by the forest. There was a tightness around his mouth that only eased when Mark put his hand on his shoulder. “They’ll be fine. They’re rugged up enough that the cold’s not going to do much, even if they’re out overnight. It’s not supposed to snow again for a few days.”

None of us mentioned the possibility that they might still be there in a few days time.

“And Joe is enough to hold him together,” Gordo continued, and the even beat of his heart was the only thing that kept me sane. “The pack bonds are strong enough that he knows we’re all with him. He’s drawing on the rest of the pack as much as us right now, and distance doesn’t matter for that. Right now, Joe is just a physical aspect of it all, of pack and mate and tether all rolled into one, and that’s the thing that will bring Ox home if he gets lost.”

No one asked what would happen if it didn’t work.

We reached the house, and I was relieved when Kelly and Robbie walked past their home and straight up to the main house. I wanted to keep us all close tonight.

By habit, I checked the mailbox as the others went ahead into the house. I hadn't gotten anything for nearly a week, and after a postcard every few days for the first two that I'd been home, I was itching to hear from Gavin, to know he was okay.

There was only one piece of mail in the letterbox. It was a postcard, and the tension that had been building and building inside of me over the past few days of silence immediately started to ease.  _ You fucking asshole _ , I thought with relief, grinning as I picked up the postcard.

I glanced quickly at the image of Bourbon Street at night before flipping the card over, and froze.

Two words marked the card, in the same handwriting that wrote my details on each of the postcards, the same block letters as on the bundle of hastily written notes I kept stashed in my bedroom. It was the first words I had from him, aside from my name and address. The first real message, and I didn’t know what it meant.

_ Lida. Nevada. _


	3. your heart is in my hands (I won't give it up)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carter follows the postcard. His pack won't let him go alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the love for the first two chapters. I'm so completely blown away by some of the comments and messages I've received. I hope you enjoy this chapter too!
> 
> I owe pretty much all of my sanity re my writing to Gigi and Sam lately, but more so with this chapter. This one was a little out of my comfort zone, but as always, they made it better. Love you always.

_ When the world around is caving in _

_ And the winds, well they keep on changing _

_ Take my hand and let it spin _

_ We'll hold still _

**_(Temporary Love, Ben Platt)_ **

The sun peeked out between the clouds and the tops of the trees, casting long shadows across the grass. We’d gathered in the clearing once more, sitting on blankets spread around Ox and Joe, rugged up in coats and beanies and gloves.

Well, everyone else was sitting around the Alphas. I couldn’t sit still, tracking footprints back and forth and over half of the clearing.

The postcard was in Kelly’s lap, held gently between his fingers. Which was good, actually, because my hands were bunched up into fists.

I didn’t know what it meant.  _ Lida. _ We’d looked it up. It was tiny, an old mining town in the middle of nowhere. Population: fuck all. Was this where the thing was that Robert had been looking for? Had he found it already, and Lida was something different? Something to do with the witches?

As the sun sank lower behind the trees, a small light appeared in the clearing, and I glanced up to see the flashlight on Mark’s phone alight. Most of us would be okay as the sun went down, but Gordo’s human eyes wouldn’t be as clear as ours in the dark.

Rolling his eyes, Gordo pressed his fingers into a tattoo on his arm and a ball of light started to glow a few feet above our heads.

“It could be a trap,” Robbie said, glancing around at the rest of us.

“It’s obviously a trap,” Gordo said.

I didn’t care, not even a little.

“We have to be careful,” Kelly said, and I stopped short, turning to stare at him. What did he mean,  _ we? _ “Robert could be in any state right now, but whatever he is will be dangerous. I’m not letting him take any of you.”

“You’re not coming,” I said slowly.

“Fuck you,” he said. Smoothing the card against his leg, he stared at it for a few seconds before looking up at me defiantly. “Obviously  _ you’re _ going. And you’re a fucking idiot if you think I’m letting you out of my sight.”

“And I’m not letting  _ him _ out of  _ my  _ sight,” Robbie added. Kelly’s face softened slightly, but he didn’t take his eyes off me as he reached over to put his hand on Robbie’s ankle.

“You’d be useless against Robert without me there,” Gordo said, without arrogance.

“We’re not letting you deal with this alone, kid,” Mark said softly.

I looked at each of them helplessly. They met my gaze, unafraid. They really wanted to help me. To help Gavin. Even after I’d left them, they weren’t even thinking twice before potentially putting themselves in danger to help me. My chest felt tight, my mouth dry. “You could get hurt.”

“You’ll  _ definitely _ get hurt if you go by yourself,” Joe said.

Squeezing my eyes shut for a few seconds to gather myself, I opened them and turned toward him. His hand was still wrapped around Ox’s and pulled into his lap, Ox’s shoulder pressed against his. Joe’s back was straight, his jaw set, his eyes dark with concern for Ox. Or for me, I realised. Probably both. I didn’t think he’d like what I had to say, but there was no other option for me. “I can’t wait for Ox to wake up,” I told him, steeling myself for his disagreement. “We don’t know how long he’s going to be out for. He could wake up in the next two minutes, or it could be days. I don’t know whether Gavin needs me or wants me to look for something or can meet up with me, or whether it’s all just Robert, I don’t  _ know _ . But I can’t wait. I can’t not go. The postcard would have taken a couple of days to get here, and if the message was that Gavin was going to be in Nevada, then he could have made it there from Louisiana by now. I have to leave now. I have to.”

“I know,” Joe said simply, and...  _ oh _ . “I’m sorry, Carter. I wish I could go with you, I really do, but I can’t leave Ox, and I know you can’t wait, not if he might be in danger.” There was a fire burning in his eyes. “But I know without a doubt that, if you can, you’ll bring our brother home.”

Swallowing down the lump in my throat, I fell to my knees in front of him. I was cracked open, stretched thin with anxiety and fear, and so easily overwhelmed with my love for my brother. He knew what I needed. One hand grasped my shoulder, and I let him pull me against his chest, his arm slipping around my shoulders.

I remembered when he was small, when I was the one protecting him. There was a time that I’d thought that I was the only person who could keep him safe. It hadn’t occurred to me, then, that we would protect each other.

When I rose, the others rose with me. “If Ox wakes up…”

“I’ll let you know,” Joe promised. “Ailene and Patrice will be here. Be safe. Please.” And I saw, then, what it cost him to let us go without him. His eyes were a little too wide, his knuckles white around Ox’s fingers.

“Keep him safe,” Mark said, nodding at Ox, and Joe took a deep breath, bringing their joined hands up to press against his mouth.

* * *

We drove through the night, swapping drivers every few hours. Lida was a little over nine hours away, and we’d make it by dawn if we didn’t stop. Gordo didn’t let me drive, and threatened to knock me out if I complained one more time about how slow we were going. I scowled out the window, watching trees and fields and desert go by. Kelly’s hand in mine was a comfort, but it wasn’t enough, wasn’t enough, wasn’t  _ enough. _

I couldn’t imagine falling asleep, but found myself blinking awake anyway. Lifting my head, I looked around at the others in the car. Mark was behind the wheel just as he’d been before I’d dozed, and Gordo was snoring lightly in the front passenger seat. Kelly’s face was smushed into my shoulder, Robbie’s forehead pressed against the window.

Carefully, so as not to wake Kelly, I shifted my weight, rolling my stiff neck and trying to stretch my legs out as best as I could in the cramped space. I heard a sound to my left, and looked over at Robbie again, surprised to see him lifting his head from the window and turning toward me.

I thought he’d been asleep too, but his eyes were too alert. He looked tired, though. And anxious.

“You could have stayed home,” I told him, keeping my voice soft so as not to wake the others.

“No. I couldn’t.”

I understood his and Kelly’s instincts to stay close to each other, in a way that I hadn’t before. No — I’d understood before, but now I  _ knew _ . When I got Gavin back, I wasn’t letting him out of my  _ sight _ . Co-dependency might not be the most healthy thing in the world, but I also didn’t give a single fuck.

Looking at them now, I was struck with wonder and gratitude that Kelly had someone who loved him that much. “Thank you,” I said, nodding at Kelly between us when Robbie’s eyebrows lifted in confusion. “For coming to look after Kelly. For looking after him while I… y’know.”

Mark let out a long, slow breath in the front seat. I didn’t have the courage to look at him. Guilt that I’d left still warred with my conviction that it was the right thing to do, and I wasn’t sure that that was going away any time soon.

Robbie was frowning at me. “I need to make sure Kelly’s safe. But I’d be here for you, even if he wasn’t.”

I looked away, unable to take the honesty on his face. This wasn’t just some road trip. We were almost certainly walking into a trap. We were prepared, but anything could happen. And Robbie… he’d lived under that asshole’s control for over a year, had trusted and loved him and been manipulated by him for all of that time. And he was almost definitely going to be there. I forced myself to look at him again, needing him to know that I saw how much it meant. “But Robert —”

Now Robbie was the one to look away. And,  _ oh _ .

“I won’t let him hurt you,” I whispered fiercely, and Robbie made a noise in the back of his throat. I didn’t think that it was a denial, that he was saying he didn’t believe me, but that he was still afraid. He was afraid, and he was here  _ anyway _ .

For  _ me. _

“He’s not going to hurt anyone else in this pack,” Mark said, and both of us turned to look at him in the front seat. I wanted to believe him. So much. I found his eyes on mine in the mirror for a long moment before he looked to Robbie. “He doesn’t have a claim to you. Or to Gordo. Or to Gavin. He’s not taking anything else from us again.”

And I did. I believed him.

Robbie took a deep, shuddering breath, and I knew that he believed him too.

He turned his face against Kelly’s shoulder. I looked away, not wanting to intrude on their moment. One of Mark’s hands was on the steering wheel, and the other reached across the centre console to wrap lightly around Gordo’s forearm. He was still asleep, his quiet snores the only sound in the car.

It hurt a little, that they both had their people with them, while Gavin was out there on his own. The fact that I knew it wasn’t fair didn’t stop the longing from rushing through me, to be able to put my hands on him, to take comfort in his presence, to feel stronger with him by my side.

But when I raised my eyes, Mark’s were on me once more, his gaze steady, and I knew he saw the hunger in my heart.

I might not have Gavin with me yet, but I wasn’t alone.

* * *

Lida was a ghost town.

There was nothing except dirt and hills and a few scraggly trees for miles. Every now and then we’d pass through a small town, a collection of old houses here and there, but mostly it was just dust and dirt and emptiness.

Robbie’s GPS told us in a chirpy voice that we’d reached our destination. There were a few streets with buildings, but either it was too early for anyone to be up and about, or it was deserted. I hoped for the second option. There was a knot in my stomach, and there was an itch underneath my skin that shouted at me to  _ do something, now, why aren’t you doing something? _ But there was nothing to do. Gordo drove slowly down the main street, and we were all on edge as we watched the empty town through the car windows.

“Pull over,” Mark said sharply, and we all looked to him at once.

He was looking out the front passenger window. I was sitting on the left side of the back seat, had to lean over Robbie to see past him and onto the road as the car pulled to a stop.

My heart stopped in my throat, and I grabbed his arm with both hands.

A man knelt in the middle of the dusty road, his arms by his sides. As we watched, his back arched, twisting painfully before he slumped again, his shoulders heaving.

_ Gavin. _

I was out of the car in an instant, ignoring Gordo’s shout to  _ wait _ . Gavin was half-shifted, his face distorted in pain. His arms struggled, pulling against nothing, and my stomach dropped when I realised that he must have been restrained somehow, despite the fact that there were no visible bonds on his arms.

I’d rounded the car and was only a few steps toward him when a loud, ragged cry reached my ears and shook me to my core. Any semblance of rational thought disappeared as I raced toward him, my teeth elongating into fangs, my fingernails into claws, my apprehension into desperation.

Gavin raised his head to look at me when I’d closed half of the distance between us, and I saw his mouth form the word  _ “No,” _ before something collided with me from the side, bowling me over and knocking the wind out of me as my body hit the ground.

I scrambled to get my feet under me, but hands grabbed my head tightly before I could move, lifting it up and then knocking it hard against the ground. Everything went fuzzy for a few seconds, and by the time I managed to force my body to move again, something hard pressed down against my neck, biting into my skin and restricting my air.

I forced my eyes open, and saw Robert Livingstone standing above me.

He wasn’t looking at me, but straight ahead, and I could imagine the others standing back, watching him warily. He was half-shifted, but even this looked different from a regular wolf. Not only did he have claws, but his hands were elongated, the shape of his head slightly wrong, his shoulders far broader than they were when he was human. It was his foot on my neck, most of his weight bearing down on it, and I thought that maybe it was enough that I could dislodge him if I struggled hard enough. I reached up to grab his leg, to dig my claws in, to tear his skin open, but the weight on my neck increased and I choked on the minimal amount of air I could take in when his other boot hit me hard in the ribs.

“Welcome, Bennetts,” he said, and his voice had lost all of the smoothness and charm that he’d held before he’d become whatever the fuck he was now. He still tried for it, but there was a raggedness that he didn’t seem to be able to smother. “I see that you got my message.”

There was a low growl from somewhere behind me, but I couldn’t tell who it was. I couldn’t turn toward it, but I had enough movement to turn my head the other way. Gavin still knelt in the middle of the road, the muscles in his forearms bunched as he struggled against his bonds. He was breathing heavily, his hair straggly as it fell into his eyes. Relief to see him made my blood sing, even as rage grew and grew inside me to see him  _ like this _ .

If I was shifted, I’d have the strength to throw Robert off me. My half-shift had been knocked out of me when Robert had knocked me to the ground, and I reached for it again now, cold rushing through me when I realised that I couldn’t grasp onto it.

_ What the fuck have you done to me, you fucking asshole? What the fuck have you done to  _ him?

“I’m pleased that you’re here, Gordo,” he said, his voice light, as though he were oblivious to the anger and hatred simmering through me, growing stronger and stronger on the feedback loop that linked me to the rest of my pack. I could feel Gavin, too. He was a maelstrom of rage and pain and panic, building up on a loop all of his own. “I wasn’t going to come for you until the end, but it’s probably best to take care of things now, since you’ve come all this way.”

“You’re not touching him,” Mark growled, sounding more vicious than he’d ever done as an Omega.

Robert laughed quietly under his breath, and I hated him, I hated him with everything I had. “That’s sweet, but I don’t care what some worn out wolf thinks.”

This time, Mark wasn’t the only one to growl, a low rumbling sound that seemed to echo on the empty street.

“And Robbie,” Robert said, and now there was a touch of something almost like regret in his voice. “It’s good to see you again, my boy. I meant it, when I told you that you were like the son I never had. Gordo was weak, and Gavin taken from me, but you… We had good times together, remember, son? Would you hear —”

“Shut your fucking mouth,” Kelly snarled.

_ Don’t listen to him _ , I thought desperately at Robbie. I knew that his fondness for the man he’d known as Ezra had been hard to reconcile with the truth that he now knew about Robert Livingstone. He’d fought against him before, had fought against the trigger that Robert had burned into his mind and survived.  _ Fight him _ .

And he did. “A life based on a lie isn’t a life,” Robbie said, his own anger a savage thing. “You stole that time from me. You don’t get to take that from anyone else.”

Robert laughed humourlessly. “You refer to Gavin, I assume. My son came with me willingly. You can choose to twist it any way you want, but he chose to leave with me.”

“What do you want?” Gordo said. I could tell that he was going for disinterested, but it came out sharp and impatient.

The weight on my neck increased, and I gasped for air. I struggled against him, clutching at his leg with blunt nails, kicking my feet against the ground in an attempt to push myself up, but black spots were starting to swim in my vision. I looked past them to Gavin, who bared his teeth as he growled, tearing uselessly at his invisible bonds as he watched me with frantic eyes.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” Robert said above me. “You think I wouldn’t see him sneaking off, or find the postcards? Childish,” he scoffed. “Weak. Just like the rest of you Bennetts. Useless. You’ve turned everyone who belonged to me against me, and now you’re going to die for it.”

“He never belonged to you,” I said, spitting the words up at him weakly.

It was as though I hadn’t spoken. “I was going to kill as many of you as I could, to show him how it felt to lose your family. I’d make him regret choosing another family over me. But since you brought reinforcements, Carter Bennett, I’ve changed my mind. I think I’m going to take your family from  _ you _ , one at a time.” He paused, and the silence was thick with fury. “I was going to save Gordo for bigger and better things since his magic is so strong, but he’s gotten in my way once too many. I’m going to kill your family, and then I’m going to kill you, and no one will stand against me again.”

Gavin roared, tossing his head back, clenching his fists so tightly that his arms shook with it. I drank in the sound of it, letting it reinforce me. I wasn’t going to let him kill my family, I wasn’t going to let him hurt Gavin, hurt  _ Kelly, he wasn’t going to put his fucking hands on my pack ever a-fucking-gain. _ Sucking in a breath, I took a hold of my white-hot rage and used it, reaching for my wolf and  _ finding it _ .

My claws extended, and I flung my arms up, grabbing a hold of Robert’s leg and sinking them into his flesh through his pants, tearing downward and opening up his skin. He cried out, pulling his leg back, and I slipped out from underneath his boot as soon as his weight lifted off me. I scrambled backward, putting a few feet between us as I gulped in air, and before my head could stop spinning, before I could push myself to my feet, the others were on him.

Kelly hit him first, his teeth snapping close to Robert’s head as he knocked him to the ground. Robbie and Mark were right behind him, the three of them shifted, and Robert disappeared beneath a tangle of muscle and fur.

It only lasted a few seconds, and I was on my feet instantly when the three of them fell back, thrown off of Robert as he shifted. Throwing his head back, he howled, and the sound rattled my bones. I staggered back, horror filling me at the sight of him, memories from that day in Caswell bombarding me, and for a moment, I was choking just as thoroughly as I’d been with Robert’s boot on my neck.

Then the ground cracked underneath his feet, a column of rock rising out of the earth. Gordo knelt off to the side, scowling in concentration as he dug his fingers into the ground. Robert fell back, and Mark came up behind him, his teeth sinking into his arm.

I took a step toward them, and then froze when I heard a pained shout behind me.  _ Gavin. _

We had to take down Robert.

But Gavin sounded like he was in  _ pain. _

I was by his side in seconds, falling to my knees in front of him. His arms were still stretched wide, his forearms bulging, his shirt torn at the neck and sleeves. It was almost as though he had shifted enough for his clothes to stretch too tight, but not enough to tear them completely. As I watched, hair sprouted on the back of his arms, and Gavin groaned, his body trembling until it started to recede.

Blood trickled down his left forearm from what looked like bite marks. He was breathing heavily, his head bowed forward. I took his head in both hands, lifting it until I could see his face. His lip was bleeding too, those teeth marks his own, and his eyes looked almost glassy as he blinked up at me. He was fighting against something I couldn’t see. “What’s happening?” I whispered, needing to understand, desperate to help. “What can I do? What do I do?” I grabbed his wrist, circled his hand. I couldn’t feel anything that tied his arms to the ground, but when I tried to pull his arm, I met resistance. Gavin wasn’t going anywhere.

A thin line of blood appeared on his neck, so shallow that blood welled but didn’t fall. Gavin tensed, and then made a low sound in the back of his throat. “He’s linked us,” he said through gritted teeth. “Whatever affects his body affects mine. His shift —” He groaned, turning his head away. I let him, and pressed my forehead against his temple, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to think. His skin was hot and sweaty beneath mine, long hair clinging to mine and his skin. “His shift is forcing my shift.” His whole body started to shake, and — oh fuck, I could  _ feel  _ the way his bones trembled underneath his skin, trying to break and reform, held together only by the strength of Gavin’s will as he fought against the magic that forced Gavin’s body to mirror the form that Robert had taken.

I pulled back to stare at him. Slowly, I dropped my eyes to the still-bleeding wound on his arm, and remembered Mark’s teeth sinking into Robert’s flesh.  _ No _ . _ Oh fuck no. _ Horrified, I looked up at him again, and then froze at the furious snarl behind me.

Gavin flinched back as blood started to blossom on his shirt. Spinning around, I stared at the bright claw marks along Robert’s stomach, his skin gaping as he wrapped one elongated hand around Robbie’s neck and hurled him across the street. Gordo took a step forward, his face twisting viciously as he dug his fingernails into his own skin.

“Gordo, stop!” I shouted. He paused and glanced in my direction. “If you kill Robert you’re going to kill Gavin too.”

I saw the moment that realisation hit him. Any wounds that they inflicted on Robert would hurt Gavin too — and not only that, but Gavin’s body wasn’t as indestructible as whatever Robert had become. He’d die, and he’d die before Robert did.

Gordo’s hand clenched into a fist, and he muttered a string of expletives. “We’ll handle it,” he said, turning back toward Robert. “Keep Gavin in control.”

Turning back toward Gavin, I reached for him once more, smoothing his limp hair back from his face, brushing away the tear streaks from below his eyes. I tried to wipe away the blood from his lip with my thumb, but only succeeded in smearing it across his cheek. “Gavin,” I said, his name catching in my throat.

His eyes slid closed as a shudder ran through him. “You shouldn’t have come,” he whispered, and he sounded like defeat.

I didn’t want to hear it. We were getting through this. I thumbed his cheek until he opened his eyes, and smiled at him, trying to look reassuring and determined instead of fucking terrified. This close, I could feel him like it was his blood pumping through my veins, and I relished the tentative bond between us even as I hated that he could feel my fear. “You needed me,” I said simply.

The corners of his mouth trembled before setting into a firm line. He leaned forward, and I let him press his forehead against my neck. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I held him close, fighting against the burn in my eyes as his body flinched and twisted every other second. “He found out about the postcards,” he said. “I wasn’t careful enough. He forged it, I tried to stop him… I don’t know what happened. But I woke up here.” Pulling back, he looked around at the others. I spared them a quick glance, caught sight of Kelly, Robbie and Mark circling Robert warily, and then looked quickly back at Gavin. Was he paler than he’d been before? His eyes met mine again, his eyes flickering between brown and violet as he fought the shift. “You have to kill him. It has to be over. You — you have to finish it.”

I snarled at him. “I’m not letting you die.” How could he even  _ think that? _

Every breath rasped in his lungs. “I’m not worth all the people he’ll hurt. I’m not worth your life, or your family… our pack…”

“Fuck you,” I said hoarsely. “Fuck you so fucking much, you fucking asshole.”

“I…” He cut off with a growl, the tendons in his neck standing out. “I can’t control it, I can’t…”

“You can.” I wrapped both of my hands around the back of his neck, squeezing lightly, and then pulled back to cup his cheek. “I know you can.”

A slash of red appeared across his other cheek, and his head turned sharply away from it. He groaned as somebody yelped in pain behind me. It sounded like Kelly. The shock of it was enough to fray at his control, and he hissed as his fangs dropped and hair sprouted along his jaw. “Carter. Get out of here. I’m not —- not in control. If I hurt you —”

“You’re not going to hurt me,” I said, and believed it with all my heart. The wolf who hadn’t let anyone near me the  _ day he met me  _ five minutes after trying to kill everyone I loved wasn’t going to let himself hurt me. Behind me, Gordo shouted to  _ get back _ , but I ignored him, bending my neck until we were nose to nose. “You’re in control,” I told him firmly.

He growled deep in his chest, his eyes wild with self-hatred and hunger. His lip drew back in a snarl. “I want to consume you, to mark you, to cover you until you smell like me. I want to kill anyone who tries to mix their scent with yours because you’re  _ mine _ . Bury my teeth in you until my tongue is coated in your blood. Tear you open until I’m covered in it.” He groaned. “ _ Drowning  _ in it. I’m not — going to be able — to stop. I’m not in control, I —” The tendons in his forearms stood out as he strained against his bonds.

“You _are._ ” I wasn’t afraid of him. “You’re here, with me, and I’m here with you, and I’m bringing you home with me, okay?” Gavin’s eyes tightened, and he tried to look away, but I pulled him right back. “No. Fuck you, no. Gavin. You’re _stronger than this_.”

“I’m not,” he gasped.

I knew what he was thinking. He’d spent years trapped as a wolf, unable or unwilling to turn back. Unwilling, I assumed, because he’d felt safe, I  _ knew _ he did. I still didn’t know his story, but I knew him. I knew him enough. I knew he was  _ everything. _ “You are. We’re strong enough. Together.”

Grabbing his face with both hands, I leaned in and pressed my mouth against his, kissing him with everything I had. My fingers slipped in the blood on Gavin’s cheek as I curled my hand around the back of his head, and I felt a spark of pain as my lip pressed too hard against a fang. I ignored it all, pouring everything I felt, every inch of hope and fear and love that I felt into the bond between us. It was a fragile thing, but it vibrated between us like a plucked guitar string as I kissed him and kissed him and  _ kissed  _ him.

Something snapped into place between us, and stole my breath along with it. Gavin gasped sharply, and then growled, and then made a different sound that was almost like a sob against my lips. I pulled back, opening my eyes slowly to take in the shock on Gavin’s face, in his eyes. They shined at me, violet violet violet.

_ Orange. _

It was only a flicker, a brief moment before it disappeared into the violet again, and then faded into brown, but I saw it.

It was real.

Last week, I'd found my tether in Kelly once more. And now Gavin had found his in me.

A furious roar sounded behind me, echoed in the snarls of my pack, and I reluctantly turned around, dropping my hands from Gavin’s face. I tensed at the sight before me. Robert’s already monstrous face was twisted in rage, pounding at the shimmering wall of magic that stood between him and the rest of us. He swiped at it with his claws, and I heard Gavin take in a sharp breath. But he didn’t get through.

That didn’t mean that we were safe, or that everyone was unharmed. Kelly was on the ground a few paces from the barrier. Robbie stood over him, growling at Robert. Not far from them, Gordo was on his feet, both arms extended toward the magical wall, and he was trembling with the effort it took to keep that wall between us and Robert. I could tell that he couldn’t hold on for long. Mark crouched low in front of him, ready to protect his mate should the barrier fall.

“We have to get out of here,” I said. I didn’t know what it would take to kill Robert, but I realised with a sickening feeling that we weren’t enough.  _ Ox, I hope whatever daydream you’re having right now can help us. _

“Go,” Gavin grunted behind me, and I didn’t bother with a response. The fucking asshole didn’t deserve one.

“Does it work both ways?” Gordo said, his voice tight and strained.

“What?”

“The spell that links them.”

“I —” I looked over my shoulder at Gavin, not sure what he was getting at. We couldn’t… Oh, fuck no. Fuck.  _ No. _

“Do it,” Gavin said. His brow was heavily furrowed, but his eyes were clear. “Kill me.”

I was too on edge to feel anything but rage at the  _ thought _ of killing him for Robert, what the  _ fuck _ . “Shut it,” Gordo snapped, before I could do something stupid like kill him just for making the suggestion. “Knock him out. I can remove it when we get him home.”

_ Oh _ . Gavin still met my eyes with determination, but I hesitated, suddenly uncertain. I didn’t want to hurt him, but  _ maybe we could save him _ . “I —”

“Oh, for fucks sake.” Gritting his teeth, Gordo backed away from the barrier. The magic wall seemed to waver as he dropped his right arm, but he moved quickly. He barely glanced at Gavin as he reached down and put his hand on the back of his head.

Gavin looked up at him, something raw escaping from the guard that he tried to keep over his features. He opened his mouth, before pressing his lips into a firm line, but then his whole face went slack, his eyes drifting shut, and I leaned forward to catch him as he slumped forward. I slipped my arms underneath his, my heart twisting to feel him so lifeless against me.

But I could feel his heart beating against my chest, strong and true.

Holding him against one shoulder, I twisted my neck in time to see Robert stagger back a few steps before dropping to his knees. He snarled, thrashing his head from side to side before he stopped abruptly, tilting sideways until he collapsed on the ground.

We watched him warily, but he didn’t move. Gordo was breathing heavily from the magic that he was pouring into the barrier between us, but he didn’t drop it straight away. When he did, he bent over double, resting his forearms against his knees. “Are you okay?” I asked. His face was red from exertion, and blood dripped from his arms.

We both turned sharply when we heard Kelly whimper. He was still lying on the ground, turning his face up as Robbie nuzzled against his shoulders. I tightened my grip on Gavin instinctively, my heart racing with worry as I tried to see if Kelly was okay.

“Never better,” Gordo said, and it took me a second to remember what I’d asked him. “I’ll need a second to break his bonds. Go check on the others.”

I glanced at him sharply, and caught him looking back at me evenly. Silently, I thanked him for taking the choice away from me. I didn’t want to leave Gavin, but I had to know that Kelly was okay. Robbie had shifted back, and was looking at Kelly’s foreleg worriedly. “Okay,” I said slowly, and it was still with conflict in my heart that I helped Gavin down onto the ground. Gordo knelt beside him, touching Gavin’s wrist with gentle fingers.

I reached Kelly right as he shifted back. His human body was covered in grazes that were already starting to heal, but he cradled his arm gingerly to his chest. I felt dizzy with worry for him, for my little brother, for  _ Kelly _ . I didn’t know if I would ever stop feeling panicked whenever he was hurt. “Kelly —”

“I’m fine,” he said. It sounded like he was trying to act irritated at the attention, but the tightness in his voice belied the pain that he was in. Robbie helped him to sit up, and Kelly’s eyes were wide as he looked over at Gavin before turning back to me. “Is he —'' he said, horror on his face.

“He’s knocked out,” I told him.

A slow smile spread over his face. “And we can take him home?”

I stared at him, Gordo’s words from before finally hitting me.  _ I can remove it when we get him home _ . Kelly looked up at me, smiling hopefully. Wonder and relief burst through me, choking me up. “I… yeah,” I breathed. “We can take him home.”

The three of us looked over to Gavin. Mark, still shifted, padded over to him and Gordo, bending his head to press his nose against his shoulder. Gordo dropped Gavin’s wrist onto his chest, both arms now apparently freed, and stood up, turning to put his hands on Mark’s fur, making sure that he was okay. Mark whuffed, but let him fuss.

I looked back to Gavin, and the sight of him lying alone on the ground was too much. I made sure that Kelly was okay and then went back over to him, pulling him up to lean against my chest. He slumped against me, and I gathered him close, burying my face in his hair and letting him wash over me.

He was here. With me.  _ And I could bring him home. _

I didn’t know what this war would bring us next, but at least we would be together. Sucking in a shuddering breath, I held him closer, determined to never let him go again.

“Wait,” Robbie said, and I lifted my head, frowning when I saw how pale he was. My stomach twisting, I followed his gaze to where Robert had fallen — where Robert  _ had _ been. The ground was empty. The whole street.

He was nowhere to be seen.

“Fuck,” Gordo said.

The others spread out to look for him. I waited with Gavin, sitting in the middle of the road. Robert had woken, but Gavin showed no sign of consciousness yet, lying limply against me. I stroked his hair back from his face, rubbing the strands between my fingers, hoping he’d let us have this closeness when he woke up.

Half a dozen postcards on my fridge back home told me that maybe he would.

They returned, empty handed and confused. They’d followed a scent east for half a mile before it had faded into nothing. “It went from strong and fresh, to a scent as weak as something a week old,” Mark said, scratching his beard as he frowned.

Robbie wanted to spend more time looking for him. I told them no, that we had to get Gavin home as quickly as we could, that I wasn’t going to let him be linked to Robert for a second longer than he needed to.

I thought they would argue with me. Kelly opened his mouth like he was about to, but Gordo surprised me when he was the one to put his hand on Kelly’s shoulder. “Let’s go home,” he said.

He didn’t look at Gavin as he spoke, but it was a relief anyway to know that I wasn’t the only one who wanted to prioritise his safety.

Still, it didn’t sit well with any of us to leave without knowing what had happened to Robert. I climbed into the backseat of the car and let Gavin’s weight against me give me a small amount of comfort.

It was a tight fit, but we made it work. Gavin’s head rested against the window, and I cradled it with my hand to stop it from hitting against it with every bump. Kelly’s arm was already healed, and neither he nor Robbie complained about Gavin’s legs stretched out over their laps.

Every now and then I saw Gordo’s eyes on him, too many quick glances to count. At first he looked away when he realised I was watching him, but after a few times he held my gaze, his eyes almost hostile before he seemed to check himself.

He’d spent as long as I had in a state of confusion and uncertainty and denial, if for different reasons.  _ I don’t know how to be someone’s brother. _ I thought he’d figure it out.

“I know he’s kinda dirty,” Robbie murmured, breaking the silence in the car, “but he’s still cute. Nice work, Carter.” Gordo made a strangled sound from the front seat, turning to look out the window.

I turned my face against Gavin’s shoulder, my heart singing a song of green, of tentative relief, of  _ PackMateLove. _

* * *

Thankfully, we were pulled over when he woke.

It was late morning. The others were outside the car, but I’d returned to the backseat, wanting to check on Gavin. His wounds had healed, but he was still a harrowing sight, his shirt covered in blood, streaks on his arms and face that I hadn’t been able to clean as well as I’d like.

He stirred as soon as I opened the door, his heartbeat picking up slightly. I slipped inside, closing the door behind me, and Gavin jumped awake at the sound. He looked around him, taking in the car, his own bloody clothes. I didn’t say anything as his eyes darted over me, and I definitely wasn’t glad that he was checking me for signs of injury, not at all. That would be self-centered and ridiculous.

Gavin shifted forward on the seat, his head darting in all directions as he took in our surroundings. The others hadn’t yet noticed that he was awake. When he turned back to me, his eyes were wide and panicked. “Where is he?”

“Not here,” I reassured him quickly. “He disappeared in Lida. We just passed Battle Mountain. Can you believe there’s a place called Battle Mountain?”

Gavin ignored me. “Carter, he could —”

“I don’t care,” I said loudly, and then grimaced. I hadn’t meant it like it had sounded. “I mean, of course I care what he could do. But... we’ll figure it out.” I smiled at him faintly, wishing I had the courage to reach for him. I thought about it for a moment, and then reached for him anyway, closing my fingers lightly around his wrist. He didn’t pull away. “Gordo’s going to fix you, and then we’ll figure the rest out.”

His lip pulled back distastefully. “I don’t need fixing.”

Which. Yeah. True. But — “The whole thing where he can hurt himself and you can suffer for it kinda needs fixing, dude.”

Gavin grimaced, his shoulders slumping as he looked down at the console in front of him. Watching him carefully, I moved my hand down his wrist and curled it around his hand. He let out his breath heavily before squeezing it, and I tried to pretend that my heart wasn't racing at the contact.

I saw movement over Gavin’s shoulder, and looked up to see Kelly approaching the car. He stopped the moment that he saw Gavin was awake and sitting up, and I shook my head imperceptibly.

Gavin looked up at me, and I quickly turned away from Kelly, trusting him to give us a few minutes. There was something complicated and cautious on Gavin’s face, his hand stiff in mine. “You came for me,” he said slowly.

A quiet huff of laughter escaped my lips before I could catch it. “Of course I did. You think I’d abandon you when you needed me?” His mouth twisted, and my breath caught in my throat. “Oh, shit. You did.” Throwing aside any doubt, I cupped Gavin’s cheek with my free hand. I’d tried to clean it up, but there was still a faint smear of blood on his skin. I ignored it, swallowing hard when he turned his face into my hand. “I’m always going to come for you,” I promised him, smiling faintly. “You’re never going to be able to get rid of me.”

I was expecting irritation, a joke or something, maybe an eye roll. But there was something haunted in Gavin’s eyes, something that spoke of fear and longing all wrapped up into one, and I couldn’t take this distance between us anymore. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close, holding him as tightly as I could. A part of me still expected him to pull away, and I let out a shuddering sigh of relief when he sank against me easily, his fingers clutching at my shirt.

He wasn’t crying. I felt him breathing against me, warm against my neck, and I was going to hold him for as long as he’d have me. I had to ask him. “Will you come home with me?”

He was silent for a few seconds, and I wasn’t holding my breath. Not at all. “Yeah,” he said eventually, and I turned my head to press my mouth against his temple. All of the brusqueness and disinterest was gone from his voice, and he just sounded raw. Raw and cracked open, and I was going to be there to hold him together. “Okay.”

* * *

Knuckles wrapped against one of the front windows, and Gavin pulled back instantly, a gruff and surly mask dropping over his features that reminded me eerily of Gordo. Good thing that I knew how completely and utterly fake it was. I couldn’t wait for the others to see through it.

The driver’s door opened, and Mark’s head popped in through the gap. His eyes were soft and knowing. “Ox is awake. Joe said he’d update us when we get home, but that he’s okay. Are we ready to go?”

“Yeah,” I said.  _ Home _ . Gavin shifted back further into his seat, scowling a little, and I wondered if he was uncomfortable at getting caught cuddling.  _ Because we had been _ , I thought, a little giddily. One of my arms was still around his waist, and I squeezed him reassuringly even as I grinned at him. “You don’t mind sitting on my lap, do you? We’re short on seats.”

His whole body stiffening, Gavin made a choked off sound before quickly drawing his brows down and scowling. Mark hid his grin behind his hand as he retreated to get the others.

Gavin didn’t end up sitting on my lap. Robbie sat on Kelly’s, and Gavin and I were pressed up close together. Gavin was quiet, and no one pressed him for much. His exhaustion was an itch under my own skin, but he was too tense to sleep. He was cagey, I could feel it, could feel how being squeezed close in this car was a lot for him after spending so long on the road with only Robert for company, and his years before that as a wolf. He kept the window down an inch despite the cold, kept his eyes out the window for most of the trip, and was the first one out the door on the few occasions that we pulled over.

I didn’t know if anyone else could feel him through the bonds yet, and I didn’t want to ask. But even without his emotions leaking over to me, he wasn’t the only one who was tired. I dozed for a while, falling asleep with my head on Kelly’s shoulder and waking up resting against Gavin’s. The car was mostly silent, so we all straightened a little when Robbie spoke up.

“Thank you,” he said. We were maybe a little over an hour from home. He was looking down at his hands in his lap, but when we all looked at him, he turned to Gavin. “For going with him that day. You saved all of our lives. I know…” He paused, shaking his head. Kelly’s arms tightened around his waist. “I don’t know. It wouldn't be the same. I can  _ imagine _ that it hasn’t been easy. It's probably been really shit. But I wanted to say thank you, because we’re all here today thanks to you.”

Gavin nodded slowly. I could tell that he didn’t want our gratitude. He’d done what he’d thought he’d had to do. For pack. “Thank you, too,” he said quietly. “For coming with Carter. For me.”

The tension drained out of Robbie, and he smiled.

“Of course,” Kelly said. “You’re family, and we do anything for family.”

Gordo’s hand tightened on the steering wheel. Gavin’s eyes flickered in his direction and back again so quickly that I thought maybe I’d imagined it.

His hand rested on his thigh, and I moved slowly as I lowered mine over it. If he didn’t take it, I was going to squeeze it lightly and then pull back. I didn’t know where the line was between comfort and overwhelming him, but I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone.

Turning his hand over beneath mine, he clasped it tightly, and the bond between us grew stronger with every heartbeat.

* * *

Being a Beta was about more than just tethers. It was about more than just pack.

I was still reeling with the flash of orange that I'd seen in Gavin's eyes. The golden thread between us was both pack and tether, and I could feel him drawing strength from me as we got closer and closer to home.

But even with a tether, even with the thrum of pack and family and home so strong in the car that I was pretty sure we were going to drown Gavin in it, there was something else he needed.

Gordo pulled the car to a stop in front of the house at the end of the lane. Our house. My home. A group stood on the front porch, more people than I’d expected. Joe had told us that Mom, Rico and Tanner had returned earlier this morning, but I hadn’t expected to see Jessie, Chris, or Dominique. Bambi stood between Rico and Jessie, little Carly in her arms.

Joe and Ox were front and centre as always. They remained on the porch as we climbed out of the car, and I could feel the weight of their attention on Gavin.

I knew what it felt like to come home and not know if you still belonged. For him, it would be even harder. I could feel him resisting the urge to shift, to fall into the lack of complexities that came with being a wolf. But he stood tall, gazing up at the people who had become his family, whether he wanted it or not.

I managed to stop myself from stepping in front of him, from protecting him from the people who made him nervous. If I stayed close by his side, it was for totally unrelated reasons.

The apprehension filling the yard was tempered when Kelly stepped forward, jogging up the stairs to wrap his arms around Mom. She hugged him back, cradling the back of his head like she’d done ever since I could remember, and then Rico was heading down the stairs, roughing Robbie’s hair as he strode past him to clap Gordo on the back.

The two groups mingled, rubbing hands and noses on skin and hair and clothes as they greeted each other after too long apart. Too long, I thought, and then felt guilty for it — the week or so that they’d been gone was nothing on the year I’d disappeared for, or the three years when we were younger. Still, it felt good to be missed, and I looked forward to rubbing my scent all over them.

Ox and Joe had remained on the porch, watching us. Watching Gavin. Gavin didn’t move, and I took his lead, even as my stomach tied itself in knots. Why were they hesitating?

It wasn’t until the others were completely distracted with each other that Ox stepped down the stairs, and I finally understood.

It was an empty gesture — as  _ if _ none of them were paying us any attention, even if it looked like they were engrossed in each other. Jessie was openly staring, and I raised my eyebrows at her in a challenge. She raised hers right back, and I rolled my eyes.

Ox stopped a few feet in front of us, Joe half a step behind. I could feel the tension radiating from Gavin, and had started to reach for him when Joe glanced sharply at me. I saw the message in his eyes.  _ Wait. Please. _

Reluctantly, I took a step back.

Moving slowly as though he were trying not to spook a wild animal, Ox lifted his hand. I remembered how he’d been with Robbie when he’d come home without his memories, without his love and trust of us. Gavin was on edge enough with me, and I couldn’t imagine him coping well with Ox pushing him like he’d pushed Robbie, with his whole Alpha Jesus forehead nuzzling.

Somehow, Ox understood. Of course he understood. Zen Alpha understood fucking everything. I didn’t know what had happened with his fun chat with the territory, but I was sure that whatever it was would only make him more insufferable.

Gavin held still as Ox’s hand settled on his shoulder, meeting his calm gaze evenly with eyes as red as blood. “Welcome home, Gavin,” he said, and it was as simple as that.

_ Welcome home _ .

Gavin blinked a few times quickly. I watched his throat move as he swallowed, and then again. His eyes shined violet until they flickered orange, violet orange violet orange orange orange. Brown, and then he squeezed them tightly shut.

_ “Alpha alpha alpha,” _ he whispered.

The smile that spread across Ox’s face was as bright as the sun, and I felt an answering flare through the bond I shared with Gavin. It filled me up, joy and such sweet green relief. We were home. We were safe.

It was far from over, but our pack was finally whole.


	4. all of you, all of me (intertwined)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The pack welcomes Gavin home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone who's supported me along this ride. Your comments and kudos and love have meant everything to me. Thanks in particular to Sam and Gigi for being the best betas and support system a person could want. I hope you all enjoy how this wraps up!

_Maybe you ran with the wolves and refused to settle down_

_Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town_

_Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now_

_It's brighter now, now_

_I don't wanna look at anything else now that I_ _saw you_

_I don't wanna think of anything else now that I thought of you_

_I've been sleeping so long in a twenty-year dark night_

_And now I see daylight_

_I only see daylight_

_**(Daylight, Taylor Swift)** _

We gathered in the living room, a quiet energy thrumming between us all. This felt more like a conversation for Ox and Joe’s office than a casual family chat, but I was grateful that they’d brought us there instead. The whole pack was there, and as I watched Ox and Joe try to be subtle as they watched Gavin, I had the feeling that the Alphas didn’t want to crowd him.

We stretched out over the couches, a couple chairs pulled from the dining room table, some people leaning against walls. Gavin was sitting in an armchair, his arms crossed over his chest, his shoulders tense. He'd put himself there on purpose, I thought, to put some space between him and the rest of the pack.

Well, he  _ was _ pack. And he was comfortable with me. I perched on the arm of his chair, one of my legs hanging over his, and felt warmth spread through me from the contact. Until Gavin stiffened, and I froze in response.

Did he not  _ want _ me there? Maybe he wasn't a PDA person. Maybe he wasn't a  _ me _ person? Maybe he didn't want me at all? Oh shit, what if none of it was real, what I'd misunderstood everything, what if —

Gavin's hand settled on my knee, squeezing tight, and keeping me in place. I breathed, and felt amusement.

Not my own, though. That was all his.

I tried to glare at him. It probably looked more like a grin, but whatever. It felt too good to be able to feel him, like he was in my head. Not quite as strong as the rest of the pack. Not yet. But still, he was a steady, quiet thrum in the back of my head. I wondered how much stronger it would get when —

No. No, let's not think about that yet. If he even wanted to.

Just like I was trying not to think about how he was swimming in my clothes, covered head to toe in shirt, pants, hoodie that smelled like me. Robbie had offered to let Gavin borrow his clothes since they were closer in size, but Gavin had come downstairs after his shower wearing the clothes that I'd put out for him instead, clothes that I'd worn regularly for the past few weeks. I  _ wasn't  _ preening, no matter what Kelly said. I was  _ maybe _ a little pleased.

Okay, I was a lot pleased. But how could I not be, when he  _ smelled so much like me? _

The last of the pack came in, Tanner and Rico each with a half-eaten bread roll in hand. Gordo made a sound that was part impatience and part relief. He'd wanted to know right away what had happened with Ox's little chat with the territory, and had made his frustration clear when the others had agreed to wait until everyone was clean and fed. I couldn't care less how much he'd glowered over the last hour — my priority was Gavin. Gavin, who had been covered in blood, whose clothes had been torn and bloody. Gavin, who hadn't been able to relax for over a year. If Ox was happy to wait an hour, then Gordo could wait a fucking hour.

Besides, Gordo smelled as bad as the rest of us.

Rico and Tanner each found a spot on the floor, both of them muttering about their old bones, regardless of the fact that neither of them had felt an ache that lasted more than five minutes since they'd been turned. Well, from something as mundane as sitting on the floor, anyway. Rico's tune changed almost immediately as Carly escaped her mother's grip and stumbled a few steps across to him. His reflexes were wicked sharp as she wobbled, catching her and lifting her into the air before pulling her into his arms, and her delighted giggle filled the room.

"Thank you all for gathering with us," Ox said, and the room fell silent. Gavin tensed again, and I put my hand over his. I knew that his memory of what he'd experienced as a wolf was clear, but I wondered whether he'd see us differently through human eyes. Now that I thought about it, I didn't know what he thought of this pack at all, except that he'd acknowledged it as his.

I looked to Ox and Joe, sitting side by side, and wondered how anyone could feel anything other than awe and respect and  _ home _ .

(Mixed with the fact that I knew all of their embarrassing secrets, but y'know.)

"As you know, I attempted to make contact with the territory that made me what I am. That gives us all strength." He paused, looking around the room, taking the time to catch everyone's eye. Every single one of us was important to him, and I felt the echo of that through everybody in the room. "I don't know if it will be enough to defeat Robert Livingstone. But the territory has shown me what I need to do, if we're to have a chance at all."

“Which is?" Rico said into the silence as Ox paused again. "Enough with the suspense, alfa.”

My attention was caught between Ox, and Gavin and Gordo. Both of the Livingstone brothers looked tight-lipped at the mention of their father, but I knew that neither had any hesitancy about what defeating him would mean. This was only going to end with his death, and I had a feeling that both of them were more on board with that than almost anyone else in this room.

Mark caught my eye across the room. His hand was on Gordo's shoulder, and I saw the acknowledgement in his eyes. Whatever they needed, we'd be there for them. We'd be the strength they would draw on to destroy the man who had caused most of our hurt.  _ Their  _ hurt.

"The details are complicated," Ox said, "but the short version is that there will be a transference of power that will give me the strength to fight him. I know what to do, and I'll do it when it's time, but not before." He looked at Joe, the skin around his eyes tightening for the barest moment, but it smoothed out so quickly that I was sure he hadn't meant for us to see it. Joe looked calm, and I tried to let that temper the flicker of worry I felt. If there was anything to be concerned about, they'd tell us, right? Gordo was frowning, which could have been a bad sign or just the norm.

_ Transference of power. What does that even mean? _

Joe spoke before I could ask, and I let it go. I'd bug him about it later. "We've spoken to everyone who went out to check on the witches that hadn't responded to us. Some of the witches were missing, with no sign of struggle. The ones that remained have continued to refuse to leave their territories unless the threat becomes more dire." His jaw clenched, and I understood. What was more dire than a threat on your life? What if their loved ones were hurt? But we couldn't force people out of their homes. "They're all taking stronger measures with their wards and defensive spells, and know to be wary of anyone they don't know."

"We're going to contact them again, and the other witches too," Ox said. "We're going to ask that they put as much effort as they can safely spare into finding Robert. If, after four weeks, we haven't found him, then we're going to try and summon as many witches here as we can to help in the search."

I could feel almost everyone's eyes shift to Gavin, and if the way he stiffened again was any indication, he noticed it too. I kept my eyes on Ox, who turned to Gavin openly. "I have questions, but I'm not going to ask them tonight."

"About Robert," Gavin acknowledged.

Ox smiled. "And about you. I'm very much looking forward to getting to know you again." I glanced at Gavin in time to see something like surprise and pleasure flicker across his face, before it was quickly hidden. Still, I felt it through the bond, and I thought Ox could probably feel it too. "You're right, though," he continued. "I have questions about Robert. Where he's been, what he's been doing. His weaknesses. But none of those questions need to be asked tonight."

Gavin nodded, a quiet thank you. I felt relief that wasn't mine, and then a wave of exhaustion so strong that it almost bowled me over. Whatever I'd been through over the last few days, Gavin had suffered worse. Gavin let none of it show as he nudged my leg off of his and stood. "I think I'll turn in," he said. "And we can talk tomorrow."

A quiet chorus of  _ good night _ filled the room that Gavin didn't seem to know what to do with. He nodded in response as he crossed the room, then stopped short in the doorway. Was there something that he wanted to say that couldn't wait until tomorrow? But why wasn't he turning around?

I plucked at the bond between us, and felt an echoing uncertainty.  _ Oh. _ I was on my feet in an instant, grabbing his arm and pulling him into the hallway. "Carter," he muttered, and he sounded annoyed, he  _ looked _ annoyed, but I saw through it to the embarrassment that he was trying to hide.

I ignored the obvious silence from the room behind me, pretended that they weren't listening in. "It's okay," I said, kicking myself for not making this clear for him earlier. I'd just assumed that he knew I wanted him as close to me as possible, always. "You can sleep in my room, of course you can." In my bed. Making my sheets my bed my room smell like you.  _ Please. _

Gavin's face softened, and for a moment I worried that he could hear my thoughts. Until I remembered that the bond went two ways, and he was probably getting hit with an avalanche of desperation. "And you?" he asked.

I'd sleep wherever he wanted, as long as he felt safe. "If you want me to," I said, and hated the way it came out as a question.

Watching me carefully, Gavin took my hand, and the air thickened around us as he raised it to his mouth. His lips were dry as he brushed them across my skin, his eyes fluttering closed for a moment before he dropped my hand and disappeared up the stairs. I listened to his footsteps as he climbed, trying to calm the thundering of my heart.

I felt warm, warm on my cheeks, warm all the way through me. I turned back into the living room, and froze when I saw a dozen faces grinning back at me. Fuckers. Grabbing the pillow out from behind Jessie, I threw it at Kelly's face. “Shut up.”

He just laughed, hugging the pillow to his chest, and I fought a smile of my own, drowning so wonderfully in green.

* * *

Listening carefully at the steady heartbeat of a sleeping man, I opened my bedroom door quietly. I'd stayed downstairs for an hour after Gavin had gone to bed, talking to the others about how their brief trips to visit the other witches had gone. Mom's friend was safe, and I had seen the relief clear on her face.

Stepping into the bedroom, I closed the door quickly behind me so as not to let light into the bedroom and wake Gavin. My eyes quickly adjusted to the dark, and I could make out Gavin's shape in my bed. In  _ my bed _ . He was lying on his side, his legs tucked up in front of him, one hand flat on the pillow near his face.

I hovered in the middle of my room, watching his chest slowly rise and fall. His face was smooth in sleep, peaceful, and I was certain that I'd never seen anyone more beautiful.

And I was standing here staring at him, when I could be holding him. I was a fool. I pulled off my boots as quietly as I could, and undressed to my underwear, circling the bed to crawl in behind him.

The bed dipped beneath me no matter how careful I was, and I felt Gavin's breath catch in the moment before I pressed myself up tightly against his back. I wrapped my arm around him, and he made a deep sound in the back of his throat as his hand curled around mine, holding it against his chest. His breathing had evened out again, his heartbeat remaining steady, and I felt a thrill to know that he wanted me close even in his sleep.

Closing my eyes, I pressed my face against his back and breathed him in, and if I cried a little to have him here with me, to have him warm and mine and  _ safe _ , then no one was around to see it.

* * *

I woke to sunlight and an empty bed.

Pushing myself up onto my elbows, I looked blearily around my bedroom but didn't catch sight of either Gavin the human or Gavin the wolf. Sighing, I sank back down onto the bed and rolled over onto my stomach, pressing my face into Gavin's pillow, not unlike that time when I'd woken up in a motel room by myself, with only the sound of the shower running to stall my panic.

But Gavin wasn't leaving me today.

At least, I hoped he wasn't leaving me today…

I didn't rush as I dressed and went downstairs, not at all, but I maybe did breathe a sigh of relief when I walked into the kitchen and saw Gavin sitting outside on the back porch. I took two steps toward the door before I realised that he wasn't alone.

Gordo sat on a wicker chair a few feet from where Gavin perched on the couch. Neither of them were talking, or looking at each other. But it was a start.

I wasn't going to interrupt them, not a chance. They needed this, no matter how much they both would have denied it. I was surprised that they weren't still avoiding each other, but I wasn't going to question it lest they decide to run in opposite directions.

Stubborn assholes, the both of them.

Instead, I poured myself a bowl of cereal and sat at the kitchen island, watching the two of them through the window. Maybe this could be our life, I thought, smiling to myself. Maybe this could be our normal.

I heard the sound of the front door open and close, and a few seconds later Kelly slid onto the stool beside me. I forced my attention away from the Livingstone brothers as he pulled my bowl away from me, grabbing my spoon and shovelling my cereal into his mouth. I stared at him pointedly, widening my eyes as much as I could. "Please tell me that you didn't come all the way here to steal my breakfast. Don't you have cereal at home? Toast? A rabbit?"

Kelly shrugged nonchalantly, feeding himself another spoonful before he responded. “Please tell me you’re not still pining when your man is right there.”

“I’m not pining," I said quickly, snatching the spoon out of his hand and sliding the bowl back over to me. He obviously didn't have a clue what he was talking about. "I’m just… being. Here. While he’s outside.”

“So, pining.”

Snorting quietly, I turned back to watch Gavin through the window. He looked out over the backyard, watching the forest that bordered it, and I wondered how different it appeared to him now that he was no longer stuck as a wolf. I took in the shape of his shoulders, his straight back, the fall of his dark hair over his shoulders.

Somehow, this was real. I'd spent so long chasing him that I didn't know what to do about the way he might feel about me. I didn't know how to temper how good it felt to know he wasn't in immediate danger. I turned to Kelly. “I can’t believe he’s here,” I whispered in wonder.

Of course he understood. Silently, Kelly wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into him, and I rested my head against his neck, warm with the affection and gratitude I had both for him and the man sitting outside.

* * *

It was a Sunday, and most of the family was slow about their morning. Eventually I heard footsteps on the stairs and glanced up to see Joe and Ox walk into the kitchen. They both smiled to see me, and I reached out to touch Joe’s arm as Ox put his hand on my shoulder. Joe slung his other arm around Kelly’s neck as he peered into the empty cereal bowl between us.  _ This  _ brother wasn’t stealing my breakfast at least.

Ox squeezed gently. “Joe and I are going to talk to Gavin. You should be there.”

I glanced out the window at where Gavin and Gordo still sat in silence, and then back at my brothers. “If he’s not ready —”

“We’re not going to push him,” Joe reassured me. “But he has information we need. And I have a feeling that he’s the type to tell us if we try and push him too far.”

He wasn’t wrong. Another thing he and Gordo had in common.

I looked to Kelly as I stood. He smiled at me and grabbed my hand tightly for a moment before letting go and getting up to put the cereal bowl in the dishwasher. “I don’t want to overcrowd him. Robbie and I are going over to Mark and Gordo’s. We’ll be there if you need anything.”

Gavin and Gordo both looked up when we opened the back door. Gavin, at least, must have heard us coming. I wondered how much he’d heard of my conversation with Kelly, and realised I didn’t care. I took the seat beside him, my arm and my thigh brushing against his. He smiled at me, a faint thing, but it was real.

“Now’s the time for questions, I assume,” Gavin said.

Ox inclined his head. “If you’re comfortable.”

Gavin snorted quietly. “Comfort’s not important,” he said. “Defeating Robert is what’s important. But I’ll tell you what I can.”

Most of what Gavin could tell us was more detail on the things that we already knew. Robert had been struggling with his change, and looking for a magical solution. That solution meant the death of witches. Gavin told us about visiting witches and packs all over the USA and Canada. He only had guesses about what he planned to do after he’d found greater control over his shift, but he knew that Robert wanted to make sure that no one could hurt him or his again.

It had grated Gavin to feel forced into that role for him. Robert had taken him under his wing as his son without question, but every second of it made Gavin furious. Every failure was obviously the fault of humans for putting him in this position to start with, with no consideration for his own actions. Everyone else was the enemy, and the Bennett pack was at the top of that list. Gavin was certain that whatever he planned included the deaths of everyone in the pack, and I don’t think any of us were surprised to hear it. He blamed us for everything, from the hunter attack not long after I was born, to the deaths of Catherine and Wendy, to the monster that he’d turned into now. “He complained regularly about how he never had a chance to teach me how to use my magic,” Gavin told us.

“About that,” Gordo said abruptly. He’d remained mostly quiet while Gavin had spoken, only prompting him with a question every now and then. “How the hell are you a wolf if you were born a witch? It shouldn’t be possible.”

I exchanged a glance with Joe, before turning back to watch Gavin closely. He had magic? Of course — the ability that witches had to access magic was hereditary. Gavin had just as much of a bloodright to it as Gordo had. And yet he’d been a wolf for at least as long as I’d known him.

“What Robert is shouldn’t be possible either, and yet here we are,” Gavin said. His eyes narrowed at Gordo, who raised an eyebrow, unperturbed.

This was his past. We knew very little, and  _ I _ knew that it wasn’t our business. Surely none of this could affect our fight with Robert. As far as we knew, Robert hadn’t seen him at all before that day in Caswell by the lake. “You don’t have to tell us,” I said quietly.

Gavin’s shoulders rose and fell in a sigh. “It’s okay,” he said, and he sounded tired. “It’s his history too. And yours.” His hand slipped into mine, and I held it tight. “I don’t know how much you already know. Some of what I do, I learned from Robert, and I expect it to be coloured by his anger at what happened.

“I grew up with a family of humans. I didn’t know anything about witches or wolves for a long time. Robert told me that Abel Bennett had taken me from him and my mother. There was no room for his witch’s mistress and his bastard son in the Bennett pack.”

“That’s not —” Joe said, but cut himself off before I had a chance to tell him to shut it. It made me feel dirty, that my family had anything to do with what had happened to Gavin, and it would have been easy to deny it, to wish it away, to claim it as Robert’s twisted perspective. But it was true. Of course it was true.

Gordo’s mouth was pressed into a firm line as he watched his brother, and I knew he thought the same thing.

“Abel took me from my mother the week that I was born, and had witches strip the potential for magic from my blood,” he said. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gordo flinch, but my attention stayed on Gavin. His hand was loose in mine, but his arm was tense as though it were an effort for it to remain so. I squeezed, to let him know that it was okay. “I don’t know if it was a coincidence, or if there was a residue that clung to me, something that drew them to me, but when I was a teenager, they found me. Wolves.”

Gavin lifted his eyes to look at Ox, and he seemed to find some strength in whatever he saw there. I followed his gaze, and was unsurprised to see Ox watching him with an expression of concern and anger, a mirror of what I felt. How could we have failed to protect him? He should have been one of us, but my grandfather had decided otherwise, and this had become his life instead.

The wolves had been Omegas. Gavin didn’t remember much about them except for the bright violet flash of their eyes as they tore apart him and his family. Another wolf had shown up, and Gavin had been so dizzy with blood loss that he thought he’d imagined the fire in his eyes, but he  _ definitely _ felt the sharp pain in his neck before he’d passed out.

He’d woken to find his family dead around him, along with the person who’d saved his life and the two monsters who’d destroyed it. He was aware of  _ everything _ , bombarded with the sharp metallic smell of blood, the discordant sound of birds in the trees outside, the scratch of his clothes, torn and bloody, against his skin.

His adoptive father’s sister had taken him in. No one had been able to explain what had happened, but the wounds on the people in his house were so animalistic that they hadn’t seriously considered him as a suspect in their deaths. That hadn’t stopped his aunt from being wary of him.

It hadn’t stopped her from trying to kill him when he shifted for the first time.

He didn’t know what was happening at first, what he’d become. He’d put his increased senses down to shock, and then had desperately tried not to think about it when they didn’t go back to normal. But there was no ignoring this. No explaining away the hair that burst from his skin in patches, or the claws that grew from the tips of his fingers and toes, the fangs that burst from his gums. No way to pretend that his bones weren’t cracking and snapping and trying to reshape themselves. He screamed in agony for hours, his body trying and failing to change, to shift with no guidance, no Alpha to help him through it.

Terrified, he’d snapped at his aunt when she’d come too close, and the next thing he’d known, there’d been a gun pointed at his face.

He made it out of the house just in time for his shift to finally overcome him. He didn’t remember much from that night. When he woke up, he was curled up under a bush in an unfamiliar park. He stole clothes that were too big from a stranger’s clothes line, and never went home again.

He spent a year trying to control himself, to keep a hold of the boy he was rather than the monster that was pulling at him. He lived on the streets, and disappeared deep into the forest whenever the moon was full and he couldn’t resist the way its song. But he didn’t know about tethers, he didn’t know about pack, or that he needed an Alpha, that it didn’t have to be as hard as this. Each full moon it became harder to shift back, and he felt himself shifting more and more during other times of the month. He felt safer when he didn’t have to worry about what he was, or how to survive, or what food he could scavenge. It was easier to give in to the pull of the wolf inside him.

One day, he shifted, and didn’t shift back.

“All I ever knew was Omega. I ran wild for years,” he said, his eyes still on Ox. “And then Elijah found me.”

I was choking on blue, drowning in it, surrounded by people who were drowning right alongside me. Underneath it all, was a steady thrum of anger. My hands were shaking, unstopped by the squeeze of Gavin’s fingers around mine. He hadn’t had a childhood. He hadn’t had a pack. And it was because of my family.

“I’m sorry,” Joe said, his voice trembling with barely restrained anger. Gordo was pale, his jaw clenched, his eyes filled with hatred and sorrow.

Gavin shook his head, putting his other hand over mine to hold them between his. “It wasn’t you,” he said to Joe. To me. To all of us.

“It was my grandfather. My family. My pack. We did this.”

“Your pack took me in,” Gavin said, finally looking away from Ox. He met Joe’s eyes, and then Gordo’s, and then mine. There was hurt there, and anger, but it wasn’t directed at us, and it weighed evenly with the gratitude I saw in his eyes. “Your pack gave me a home.”

“Our pack,” I said, the words catching on the lump in my throat.

Gavin’s eyes flashed, and they flashed orange. I reached for the bond between us, the tether that kept him human, and sent him as much strength as I could. He might have been alone for so long, adrift without a tether to hold him to himself, but now he had me, and I was never letting him go.

Closing my eyes, I dropped my forehead against his shoulder, and I didn’t know if I was giving comfort or taking it. “Our pack,” he agreed quietly, and I hoped that he could feel the quiet pride thrumming through the pack bonds from Ox and Joe as strongly as I could.

* * *

It was Sunday. It was tradition.

It was snowing, so we gathered inside. We set up a collapsible table alongside the dining room table and threw a couple tablecloths over them so it looked nice, and then squeezed around it, jostling each other for elbow room.

Ox sat at the head of a table laden with roast meats and vegetables and breads, looking around at us with a smile on his face, and I could see the sappy speech forming in his mind. It wasn’t hard to imagine why — surrounded by my family, with my mate by my side, it was impossible to ignore the warmth and happiness spreading through me. This was the way it was supposed to be.

Glancing sideways at Gavin, I smiled to find him starting to look a little more comfortable than he had this time yesterday. He might not have experienced it this way, but this was familiar. He’d joined us for more Sunday dinners than I could count, and it felt good to finally have him sitting at the table with us. As though he’d felt my eyes on him, he turned his head to look at me, and I put my hand over his on the table, twining our fingers together, letting my smile stretch into a grin when he squeezed them back. He had nice hands. Long, slim fingers and oh, fuck, the things he could  _ do with them _ —

Um. I couldn’t let  _ that _ thought go any further while I was squished between my brother and my… boyfriend? Maybe? Oh god, I probably had a boyfriend. For some reason, that struck me harder than the word  _ mate _ . But then I started thinking about mate and mat _ ing _ , and oh god, stop Carter  _ stop why are you like this oh my god _ .

I turned away from Gavin and looked straight ahead, ignoring the heat spreading up my neck. Unfortunately, I locked eyes with Mark, who was watching me with a small smile on his face, and he  _ knew _ , somehow he  _ knew _ what was going through my head, just because I was holding hands with my  _ boyfriend _ at the dinner table.

Just because I held his hand didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean that I was thinking about taking him upstairs to fuck him again, to let him sink his teeth into me and have him claim me forever. It didn’t mean that at  _ all _ . I could hold anyone’s hand. Straightening my shoulders, I grabbed Joe’s hand, looking at Mark pointedly.  _ See. It’s completely nor— _

“What the hell are you doing?” Kelly asked.

He was staring at my hands, one around Gavin’s, one around Joe’s. Joe was watching me too, his eyebrows up near his hairline. “This is what you do when you say grace,” I said.

Elizabeth huffed a laugh. “You’ve never said grace in your life.”

“Well, when Ox does his Alpha speeches. Same same.”

“Except we’ve never sat around and held hands for that,” Gavin said, like the traitor he was.

“Of course you haven’t,” I scoffed. “You were a wolf the whole time. I wonder what else you missed.”

Jessie sighed wistfully from the other side of the table. “I’m glad we didn’t skip the stupid.”

Gavin arched an eyebrow, his lip twitching. “I know I didn’t miss you sitting around a table holding hands every Sunday.”

“You thought we might skip the stupid?” Gordo said to Jessie. “With  _ Carter? _ ”

“Remember that time Ox walked into the wall because Jessie walked into the room?” Tanner said.

“Or that time Ox walked into the side of the house when he saw Joe in tiny shorts?” Kelly said.

“Or that time Robbie fell into a car when he saw Kelly in his cop uniform for the first time? Well… the second first time?” Rico said.

“Remember when  _ you  _ wouldn't stop sniffing Bambi for  _ weeks _ ?” Robbie said.

Rico turned on Robbie, his hand over his heart like he’d been wounded. “Oh, because you've never sniffed Kelly  _ in your life, lobito _ .”

“All of those things are nothing like what I'm doing,” I protested loudly.

Gavin let out a quiet laugh beside me, and I immediately felt better. Until he opened his mouth. “Stupid Carter,” he muttered under his breath, fondly.

Except most of the people at the table were werewolves, so  _ of course _ they heard him, and oh did they  _ howl. _

“No!” I shouted to be heard over their laughter. “That's not going to be a thing! I'm smarter than all of you put together.”

For some reason, that only made them laugh harder. The bastards.

I turned to Joe, hoping for some back up since he wasn’t cackling as hard as the rest of them, but stopped when I saw the way he and Ox were looking at each other. They were grinning, laughing softly as the table collapsed into chaos, and my righteous indignation slipped away immediately. I couldn't remember the last time it was like this. The last time I felt so happy.

Joe didn't let go of my hand. Gavin didn't either.

Eventually, the room fell quiet, and I exchanged a look with Kelly, rolling my eyes at the grin on his face before turning to Ox. He looked peaceful. Happy. I knew that it wasn’t over, that this wasn’t quite our happily ever after just yet, but it was a pause, a breath, a time to enjoy what we had, even if just for a moment.

Ox’s mind was on the same track as mine. “It’s been a long time coming,” he said, his quiet voice reaching everyone around the table. “But now, finally, we’re all back together again. There are people who should be sitting at this table with us but aren’t, people who should be laughing alongside the rest of us. We’ve lost family, and we’ll feel their absences in this pack for as long as we’re alive.” He bowed his head for a moment, his shoulders lifting in a deep breath, and I thought of my father, of his mother. I hoped they’d be proud of us. When he raised his head, he was smiling. “But those people are here beside us, guiding our way, keeping us strong, and they’ll continue to keep us strong through what lies ahead. Today, my pack is together — our pack — and we’ve never been stronger. We’re still alive. And we’re together.”

Ox raised his glass, and I felt Gavin stiffen when he nodded in his direction, but I could also feel the pride and the joy radiating off of him.  _ Home _ , it felt like, and I squeezed his hand, answering him silently.

_ Home _ .

We dug into the food. Gavin seemed hesitant to take too much, but I’d heard his stomach growling earlier and snuck a few extra potatoes on his plate, winking at him when he glanced at me. He raised an eyebrow and, without looking away, I reached over him, spearing a carrot and putting it on his plate.

“Think you can stop flirting enough to pass me the gravy?” Kelly said.

There was that shit-eating grin again. He was enjoying this way too much. I pointedly didn’t think about all the shit I’d given him and Robbie when they’d stopped dancing around each other. “Since you asked so nicely,” I said, grabbing the gravy boat from where it sat in front of Joe and passing it over to Kelly.

Kelly’s hand closed around the other end of it, just below the lip. I let go, sure that he had a good grip on it. And he did, until — “Hey Kelly, have you…” — Robbie jostled Kelly from his other side, and the gravy boat slipped out of his hand.

And landed in Gavin’s lap.

The table fell silent once more, the air thick with tension as all eyes went to Gavin, the whole room nervous for his reaction. He sat frozen, one hand on the edge of the table, the other tight around his fork, staring down at the thick brown mess over his shirt. I felt a rush of hysterical laughter burst up my throat and caught it before it could escape.

I couldn’t stop it completely, and it turned into a strangled sound. Gavin’s eyes were wide as he turned toward me, and then an incredulous grin spread across his face, and he huffed a laugh, and the table around us dissolved into chaos once more.

But I had eyes only for Gavin, who was watching everyone laugh with a wry smile on his face, and I couldn’t believe that it could be this  _ easy _ .

“I’m so sorry,” Kelly said, sounding horrified, before he turned on Robbie. “Watch what you’re doing,” he hissed.

“You were the one holding it!”

Mark passed me a roll of paper towel, and I helped Gavin sop up the worst of the gravy. “I’ll get you another shirt,” I told him.

“I’ll manage.” His hand closed over mine. He looked a little exasperated at Kelly and Robbie bickering over whose fault it was that he was covered in gravy, but it seemed to be good-natured. A part of me thought that he’d be more irritated, that his temper wouldn’t allow him to just brush this off so easily. But maybe he needed this as much as we did.

“There’s more shirts in the top drawer of the dresser,” I told him, as he pushed himself to his feet and dropped the paper towel in the trash.

“Smooth,” I said to Kelly and Robbie once he’d disappeared upstairs.

Kelly stuck his tongue out at me, so I threw a carrot at him.

“We are  _ not _ having a food fight,” Gordo growled.

Holding his gaze, I picked up another. His eyes narrowed. I dropped the carrot.

We continued eating, and it wasn’t until my plate was clean that I realised just how long Gavin had been gone for. I looked back at the doorway, cocking my head as I listened for any noises from upstairs. I could hear his heartbeat, and his breathing, but not any movement. “I’m gonna go see how he’s doing,” I said to Joe as I stood up.

“Yeah, cause I’m sure he needs help taking his clothes off,” he murmured under his breath.

“Shut up,” I said cheerfully, messing up his hair before heading upstairs.

I found him in my bedroom.  _ Our bedroom,  _ my heart sang, even as I stopped in the doorway. He stood in front of the dresser, the top draw open, his soiled shirt on the floor. His back was to the door, and I could see the tension heavy in his shoulders. “Gavin?”

He looked over his shoulder, not quite enough to put his eyes on me, but enough to show that he knew I was there. There was something in his hands, and I saw the reverent way that he was holding it before I saw what it was.

My stone wolf.

I’d forgotten that it was in that drawer. My heart felt like it was pounding so hard that it would burst through my chest, to see it in Gavin’s hands. I took a hesitant step into the room, closing the door behind me. “It's yours, you know,” I said quietly. It always had been, even when I hadn’t known it.

I thought I saw his hands tighten around the wolf. “I don’t have one to give to you,” he said, his voice rough.

“I don’t need it.” Slowly, so as not to spook him, I walked around Gavin until I stood in front of him. Reaching past the wolf, I put my hand on his bare chest, flat against his heart. I could hear it, could feel it hammering through layers of skin and bone and muscle. I’d never been more sure of anything in my life. “I know.”

Something like wonder passed over his face as he looked up at me. He placed one hand over mine, reaching past me with the other to place the stone wolf on top of the dresser.

And then he curled his hand around the back of my neck, pulling me towards him until his mouth pressed against mine.

It wasn’t a soft kiss. It wasn’t tender. It was rough, and desperate, and full of everything that had been building between us. I grabbed his shoulder with my free hand, pulling him closer as I deepened the kiss, swallowing his groan as my tongue brushed along his teeth. My breath caught in my throat as his fingers curled in my hair and  _ tugged _ , angling my head the way he wanted it. I could feel his body pressed against mine, hard and strong, and I wanted to wrap myself around him, to crawl inside him until he was all I could feel, until he was all I knew.

I was gasping for breath by the time he broke the kiss, but I couldn’t catch my breath, not with the way his lips and tongue moved along the line of my jaw. I groaned loudly at the brush of teeth against my throat, and clutched onto him with both hands as he bit down on my shoulder. It was the blunt press of human teeth, but it could be so much more. It could be everything. I could give him everything. “I want…”

“So take it,” I whispered.

The sound that came from the back of Gavin’s throat when he pulled away from my neck to claim my mouth again was like devastation. I was devastated by the way his lips pulled at mine, by the swipe of his tongue in my mouth, how his arms tightened around me until I couldn’t breathe for how close we were. Then he was closer, pushing closer — no, pushing me  _ back _ , and my grip on him was the only thing that stopped me from falling as I stumbled hastily to get to the bed without turning away from him.

My legs hit the mattress and I sat sharply on the edge of the bed. Gavin came down with me, the momentum pushing me down onto my back, and I moaned when I felt Gavin firm against me. He’d landed with his knees on either side of my hips, and I slid my hands down to the curve of his ass, rocking him down against me. He gasped, and I took the opportunity to stick my tongue in his mouth again, so hungry for him that I felt dizzy with it. My legs were still hanging off the bed, and I set my feet flat on the floor, pushing myself up against him as he moved above me, the two of us grinding against each other through too many layers of clothing.

Gavin’s hands came between us, fumbling with the hem of my shirt, but he only lifted it halfway up my stomach before he seemed to get distracted by pressing his fingers against my skin instead. My stomach tensed under his touch, and I wanted his hands  _ everywhere _ , wanted him to map out every inch of me so he could claim it for his own, and then I wanted to tear his clothes to shreds so I could do the same to him.

Knocking his hands away, I pushed him back to give me room to sit up. Gavin got the hint, and as soon as I was upright, he leaned back further to pull my shirt up and over my head, tossing it to the other side of the room. I pulled him close immediately, wrapping my arms around him, revelling in the weight of his ass on my thighs, how quickly his lips found mine again, but none of it shivered through me as strongly as the feeling of his bare skin against mine. Returning one hand to his ass to hold him against me, I smoothed the other up the middle of his back. It seemed impossible that his skin could be so smooth after everything he’d been through.

I broke the kiss, and the sound of protest that Gavin made dissolved into a moan when I bent my head and took his nipple between my teeth. He threw his head back, grinding down against me, and I could feel the want in him, a heady match to my own. “I’m going to make you feel good,” I said, letting my breath fan out across his skin with every word. His neck was flushed, and it had started to spread down across his chest.  _ Because of me. I did that _ . “I’m going to make you feel good, and I’m never going to let you go. You’re mine. Gavin, you’re  _ mine _ .”

“Fuck,” Gavin groaned darkly, and I gasped when he pushed me back down onto the bed, gripping my hips and moving me upward until we lay in the middle of the mattress. I hadn’t made the bed this morning, and Gavin shoved the bunched-up comforter away with obvious irritation before turning back to me. I reached for him as he straddled me once more, but he caught my wrists and pinned them to the bed above my head. My breath caught in my throat as he leaned over me, and I looked up at him with wide eyes when I tested his grip and found that I couldn’t easily move.

“Oh,” I breathed, as something echoed inside me in response to the sensation of his fingers digging into my skin. “I might like that. I might like that a lot.”

“Shut up.”

Oh, I knew how to play this game. I grinned up at him, feeling wild with it. “Make me.”

“Oh god,” he growled, but then he  _ did _ , cutting me off as he bent down and kissed me thoroughly. My hips rolled up against Gavin’s, but before I could find a good rhythm, Gavin was getting up onto his knees, adjusting his grip on my wrists so that he could hold them with just one of his. I’d be able to break that grip, I knew, but all thoughts left my head when Gavin’s free hand slipped between us and tugged at my belt. He pulled open my jeans, and the brush of gentle fingers against the soft skin of my belly was enough to set me trembling already. And then Gavin slipped his hand into my pants, into my underwear, and wrapped around my cock, and suddenly nothing existed except for his skin on mine.

“I want to fuck you,” Gavin said against my lips as he squeezed my dick, and  _ oh fuck, _ I wanted it too, so badly. I wanted to know what it was like. I wanted to give Gavin anything he wanted. “Can I —”

“Fuck, please, fuck,” I said, whimpering when Gavin’s thumb rolled over the tip of my cock. Gavin’s eyes darkened with lust as he watched me, his lower lip caught between his teeth, and I wanted to drown in him forever. “Fuck, you’re so hot,” I breathed. Gavin laughed, surprised, which only added to the effect, honestly.

The pressure on my wrists eased, and then Gavin let go of my wrists entirely. I grabbed his face immediately, pulling him down to kiss me, but he only allowed it for a few seconds before he pulled away again. My breath caught in my throat when his lips moved down my body, my skin burning under every touch, my body tensing and melting in turns. I lifted my hips so he could pull my jeans down, and my underwear with them, and spread my legs as he lowered himself between them. He took my cock in his hand once more, holding me gently, and I could have sworn that there was something almost wondrous in his eyes before he closed them and took me into his mouth.

It wasn’t long before I was a writhing mess, gasping at each shock of pleasure that rolled through me. My hands found Gavin’s head and hung on tight, twisting in his hair, and I was trying not to thrust up into his mouth too roughly except I was completely failing. The wet heat of his mouth, the way his tongue explored my length, the way he  _ sucked _ and I felt it through every inch of me — it was too much, and my hips rocked up, sending me deeper into his mouth and closer to the edge with every thrust. He took it all, letting me fuck his mouth for a minute or so before I felt his hands flatten on my hips and forced myself back from the frenzy that had overcome me.

I was breathing heavily. My skin felt too tight, too hot, and as powerful as I’d felt that he’d let me use him how I wished, it paled in comparison to what rolled through me as he took me in deep. He sucked on me firmly as he pulled back, and I shivered from the feeling of his warm breath on my skin as he paused to press his tongue to the underside of my cockhead. He took me back into his mouth, bobbing up and down my length, and it was sloppy and messy and so fucking good, even when I hit the back of Gavin’s throat and he choked, pulling back quickly and turning his face away as he coughed. “Are you okay?” I asked, trying to sit up.

“Fine,” he said dismissively, pushing me back down. His face was red, and I didn’t know whether it was from choking or from something else, but he didn’t quite meet my eyes. “I’ll get better at that.”

I held back the incredulous laughter that tried to bubble its way up from my chest. He might think he was out of practice, but my head was spinning with the way his mouth felt on me.

Except… Except I thought back to what Gavin had told us that morning. About his life, what had happened to him. How he’d grown up. How he’d given into the wolf as a teenager, and not been able to find the way back until last year. “Oh shit,” I said. “That was your first time. With me. You popped my gay cherry, but I popped your cherry-cherry.”

Something passed over Gavin’s eyes, something like apprehension. Like he expected me to judge him. That was the furthest thing from my mind. Only… I wished that I’d known better what I was doing. “Was it… good?” I asked nervously. “For you?”

The tightness around Gavin’s eyes eased slightly, even as he scowled. “You’re just looking to get your ego stroked,” Gavin growled, and that shouldn’t be so hot.

“Amongst other things,” I said, and then my eyes rolled back in my head when Gavin’s hand closed tightly around my dick. “I mean it, though,” I forced out. I had to make sure. It was one of the most precious nights of my life. “It was good, right?”

“I don’t know,” he said, pressing wet kisses along the side of my cock. “Is this?”

I could only whimper when he reached the head and wrapped his lips around it.

He pulled back far too soon, and I mourned the loss of his mouth on me even as I thrilled at being able to touch him. I reached for him, but Gavin had other ideas, pushing me back again as I tried to sit up. “Hold your legs back,” he said, getting his hands under my knees and pressing back until I was almost bent in half. He didn’t let go until I replaced his hands with my own, holding myself on display for him, and I wondered if I should feel more nervous about it. 

But then Gavin’s hands were on my asscheeks, spreading them apart. “Oh fuck,” I whispered, before Gavin lowered his head and pressed his tongue against my asshole.

He worked me over until I couldn’t breathe, until I couldn’t think, until the only sounds I could make were desperate little pleas for  _ more. _ Every swipe of his tongue sent a shiver through me, and I was pretty sure my dick hadn’t been as hard as this before in my life. I dropped one leg to reach for it, desperate to take the edge off, but Gavin’s hand closed around my wrist before I could touch myself, his fingers so tight that I was sure I’d have bruised if my body would allow it. “Not yet,” he growled, setting my hand back on my leg as he went back to work.

I could feel his tongue pressing into me, and then his hand shifted on my ass, his thumb reaching in to press against my opening. “Lube,” I managed to say through the fog. “I bought lube. Top drawer.”

“Good,” Gavin said, kissing my calf. “Roll over.”

I did, scrambling to turn over quickly, propping myself up on my elbows and knees. Gavin crawled off the bed and grabbed the lube before disappearing behind me again, and I felt the bed dip as he knelt behind me. I was expecting his fingers, so I gasped when I felt the slick slide of his tongue on me again, and spread my legs wider, inviting him in. “Gavin,” I said, and whatever had been on the tip of my tongue dissolved as I felt his press into me. “Oh fuck. Fuck.”

A click of the bottle, then another, and then Gavin was kissing his way up to the small of my back, turning his face to press his cheek against my skin. I felt the brush of a fingertip, light and gentle and slick as it rubbed against my asshole, and I held my breath as Gavin pressed a little firmer. “Relax,” he murmured against my skin.

“Yeah, that’s —” I cut off my sarcasm when Gavin’s finger slipped into him. It couldn’t be more than an inch or so, but it felt… strange. Not bad. A little weird. Maybe a little uncomfortable. Gavin pressed a little further, and then pulled back, and then in again. “You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said, and I was. Gavin kept fucking me carefully with his finger, and the more I started to relax into it, the more the discomfort lessened. “It’s — wait, fuck,” I said, tensing again. Gavin had hooked his finger a little as he’d pulled it out, and — shit, I knew that he needed to stretch me, that I had to work up to Gavin’s whole dick, and that pulling had felt good/bad all at once.

“Carter?” he said, worry thick in his voice, his hands stilling completely.

I leaned back into him, trying to get him to move again. “I didn’t say ‘stop’.”

“You said ‘wait’.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t mean ‘ _ stop’ _ .”

Gavin rubbed his free hand over my asscheek. “Tell me if you’re not enjoying it,” he said seriously, and —

And I  _ was _ enjoying it. “It’s just different,” I told him. It felt different than the times I’d tried to finger myself. “Don’t even think about stopping.”

I tensed when I felt a touch against my balls, but then my body turned to jelly when Gavin’s fingers massaged at them. He started fucking me with his finger again when his other hand reached further and wrapped around my cock, stroking me slowly as he worked a finger in and out of me. And soon, the pleasure that was shivering through me wasn’t just from the hand on my dick. “That feels good,” I gasped as Gavin slipped a second finger into me to stroke at my insides. “Fuck, Gavin. Jesus fucking fuck.”

“Yeah?” he asked thickly, and then curled his fingers inside me. He paused, rubbing inside me, and I felt it the moment he found what he was looking for. I cried out as his fingers rubbed over my prostate, dropping my head to bury the sound in my pillow. Gavin pulled his fingers back, only to press in on that same spot when he thrust them in again. I fought to catch my breath, my body trembling as he teased pleasure from me, my hips jerking back onto his fingers, forward into his fist.

“You should probably take your hand off my dick now,” I gasped once I could manage the words.

“And why’s that?” he asked, and he sounded just as wrecked as I felt.

I let out a bark of laughter.. “Because otherwise I’m going to blow my load all over my bed sheet, and I really don’t want to come until you’re balls deep inside me.”

“Fuck,” Gavin breathed.

“Exactly.”

Gavin let go of my cock, but what came next was hardly better. I heard the drag of his zipper, the whisper of his pants being pushed down his thighs, and the thought of him stroking his own cock instead was almost as heady as his hand on mine.

Eventually, when every inch of my skin was on fire and Gavin had three fingers moving inside me easily, he pulled them out. I felt Gavin’s weight shifting on the bed behind me, and then heard the heavy sound of his pants hitting the floor, quickly followed by the click of the lube bottle. I was breathing heavily, but my breath caught in my throat when Gavin put a steading hand on my hip. “You ready?”

His voice was quiet. Tender. My heart did something complicated in my chest at the sound of it. I felt too vulnerable right now, spread open like this, to look at it too closely. “If you don’t stick your dick in me in the next two seconds,” I said instead, “I’m going to come back there and do it myself.”

I realised once the words were out of my mouth that Gavin might not think that was a bad thing. But before I could think past the image of fucking myself back on Gavin’s dick, his hand tightened on my hips, and I felt the press of something thicker than Gavin’s fingers against my asshole.

Gavin worked himself in slowly, each movement of his hips pressing him in a little further. It didn’t hurt, not after the care Gavin had taken to open me up, but there was a heavy feeling settling over me. The deeper he thrust, the more full I felt, the tighter my chest felt until I couldn’t pull in a full breath. It was so much. Too much.

I wanted more.

As soon as Gavin’s hips were flush against mine, I reached back for his hand, pulling him down until his chest and stomach were flush against my back. His arms came around me, holding me tightly against him, and that heavy feeling somehow eased and grew stronger at the same time. Gavin’s mouth was warm when it pressed against my shoulder, his breath a shudder when he pressed his cheek against my back. I thought that maybe he understood. “I didn’t think we’d get here,” I admitted, the words shaky around the lump in my throat. I turned my face against my arm, squeezing my eyes shut. There had been so much working against us. “I didn’t think we’d have this.”

Gavin’s arms tightened around me. “I’m not going anywhere.”

I shook my head. God, why did I have to do this now? I felt cracked down the middle, and knew I’d break apart if he let me go. “You can’t promise that.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Gavin said again, and I moaned when he grinded against me, his dick shifting inside me. “You said I’m yours. Well, you’re  _ mine _ , Carter Bennett,” he growled, and I didn’t know if the sound I made was a moan or a whimper, was lust or desperation, was hope or hopelessness.

But I knew what I needed. “Fuck me,” I gasped. “Gavin, please.”

The first snap of his hips against mine took us both by surprise, if the gasp that fell against the back of my neck was any indication. He thrust into me again, the two of us moaning together as he filled me up. The cool air of the bedroom his my skin as he straightened again, but I was quickly distracted by the hard press of fingers into my hips as he started to fuck me in earnest. Setting my elbows firmly on the mattress, I pushed back into him, giving as good as I got with every thrust, until nothing existed but for the way we moved together. I felt every drag of his cock inside me, every flex of his fingers on my hips, the vibration of every moan through my skin. I didn’t think it could be like  _ this. _

Eventually Gavin pulled back, and I had no clue how much time had passed but I knew that it wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t ready for this to end, that I wanted to feel this way forever. My protest died on my lips when I suddenly found myself on my back, staring up at Gavin as he hovered above me. He pulled my legs apart, settling between them, and my hands were on him immediately, reaching up to pull him down onto me. I kissed him, and it was hungry and dirty and messy as we scrambled to push my legs back so he could thrust inside me again.

His hands slid up my sides, one reaching up to cup my face, and my heart jumped into my throat when he pulled back and I caught the look in his eyes. He looked at me with so much longing and relief and need, a mirror of my own, and if I didn’t know before, I knew it then. This was ours. This was  _ everything. _

I hitched my legs up around Gavin’s waist, and moaned at the feeling of his stomach rubbing against my aching cock with every thrust. We were so fucking close, and I buried my face against Gavin’s throat, my heart stuttering to feel his frantic pulse against my lips.  _ Bite tear mine _ , the beast inside me whispered, shouted, and I shouted back  _ not yet not yet soon oh god soon mine _ . My hand fisted in Gavin’s hair at the back of his head, and I forced my mouth back to his.  _ Mineminemine _ .

Gavin held himself up with a forearm beside my head, and I turned to press my mouth against his bicep when Gavin broke away, gasping for breath. His thrusts didn’t slow — if anything, every snap of his hips was becoming more erratic. “I’m not gonna last,” Gavin gasped, which was fine, which was more than fine, I thought frantically, because every inch of my skin was on fire.

“Touch me,” I begged, and then — fuck, and squeezed my eyes shut when Gavin  _ did _ , when his hand curled around my dick and started to stroke me. My back bowed up off the bed, my hips chasing the sensation. “Harder — oh fucking  _ damn it _ , Gavin,  _ yes _ ,” I moaned, trembling as he shifted and dragged against that perfect spot inside me with every thrust.

Gavin was growling, a low steady sound from the back of his throat, and when he kissed me again, I felt fangs on my tongue. I gripped his shoulders, and felt hair under my hands. I bucked up against him, and heard him hiss as my nails extended into claws, but he didn’t shrug my hands away. “I’m going to mark you,” he said, like it was a  _ threat _ , and oh fuck, that sent a thrill of twisted pleasure through me. “I’m going to sink my teeth into your flesh, and everyone will know that you belong to me. Everyone will see your teeth in my skin, and know I belong to you.”

I felt his possessiveness through the bond between us, felt how much the idea of claiming me turned him on, and the idea of that connection becoming stronger, becoming  _ more _ , made my head spin. I cried out when he started fucking into me harder, when his hand tightened on my dick. “Mine.  _ Mine. Oh, Carter. _ ”

“Yours,” I moaned, and the compulsion flared within me, to mark, to claim, to take. And then, “Fuck, I’m gonna come. Gavin, fuck, I —” I cried out brokenly when Gavin thrust deep, his hips snapping against me, and I  _ felt _ Gavin pulsing inside me, I  _ felt _ him coming half a second before fangs sink into my neck. Pain shot through me, hot and sharp and delicious, and I couldn’t have stopped the shudder that ran through me, the way my balls tightened, the pleasure that exploded from the base of my spine and outward. I reared up, wrapping my hand around the back of Gavin’s neck to hold him still as I buried my fangs into the spot where his neck met his shoulder.

_ Mine _ .

And then —

_ run _

_ run and run and fight _

_ fight and run and bite and tear and _

_ survive _

_ there was only survive _

_ my family is gone my home is gone there is only me _

_ me and the wolf _

_ i am the wolf _

_ only wolf _

_ gavin is gone and i am the wolf and i am alone _

_ until _

_ until she comes, and i wish i was alone again _

_ there is surviving and there is pain _

_ this doesn’t feel like surviving _

_ silver around my neck i can’t breATHE I CAN’T BREATHE I CAN’T BREATHE — _

_ wait _

_ mine _

_ MINE _

_ Carter _

_ Carter needs me Carter is stupid Carter keeps almost dying must protect Carter _

_ Stupid Carter _

_ Safe Carter _

_ safe _

_ the woman who sings and the dark alpha and the light alpha and the witch _

_ the other wolves who follow them _

_ the humans who follow them _

_ safe _

_ Carter makes me feel safe most of all _

_ so I must keep Carter safe _

_ when the bad witch almost kills him I fight through the wolf _

_ it hurts it hurts it HURTS _

_ but he’s going to hurt Carter _

_ and nothing hurts Carter _

_ he won’t let it _

_ he won’t let HIM _

_ i don’t want to go don’t want to go don’t want to leave him _

_ but i have to keep him safe _

_ he kept me safe _

_ i’ll keep them all safe _

_ don’t forget me _

_ the bad witch doesn’t hurt me _

_ he helps me _

_ he helps me stay human _

_ he wants to be more human _

_ i want to kill him _

_bite_ _and tear and kill kill kill him rip his skin open bleed him out hurt him hurt him like he hurt Carter_

_ i want to go home to Carter _

_ but i have to keep him safe _

_ as long as he’s safe it’s all worth it _

_ except — _

_ WHY THE HELL IS HE FOLLOWING ME _

_ STUPID FUCKING CARTER THIS IS NOT SAFE GO HOME GO HOME GO HOME _

_ i want to see you want to smell you want to taste you so badly _

_ mine you’re mine make you MINE _

_ i could see him _

_ give him a message _

_ one night one night i can do one night and then i can send him away keep him safe _

_ Carter Carter Carter — _

“Carter,” Gavin gasped, and I came back to the metallic taste of blood on my tongue, the trembling body of the man above me, the throbbing golden thread binding me to his heart. Both of his hands were in my hair, his breathing harsh against my chest. “I didn’t know —”

I didn’t know what he’d seen. I didn’t know how anything that he could have seen could come anywhere close to what he’d been through. “You’re never going to be alone again,” I promised him roughly, and my heart broke for the sob that shuddered through him. I forced my hands between us, gripped his shoulders, pushed him back so I could see his face. His eyes were wide, his jaw tight, and I would give anything for him to never have to experience those hurts again. “Gavin —  _ never _ .”

Something flashed in Gavin’s eyes. “I can feel you,” he said wondrously. “I can feel everything.”

“Everything,” I agreed, and pulled him down so I could kiss him again, slowly, deeply. I gasped when his hips rolled gently against mine, oversensitive, but pulled him closer, unwilling to have any more space between us than was necessary.

Eventually, Gavin had to pull out, and as soon as he did, I felt the trickle of his come down my thighs. I took a dark pleasure in having his scent on me. He kissed me once more, and then shuffled off the bed to grab something to clean up with. I rolled my eyes at him when he passed me the shirt that I’d been wearing, but wiped off first my stomach and then my ass with it anyway. Tossing it aside, I grabbed his hand and pulled him back onto the bed.

He stretched out beside me, and I slipped a leg between his, pulled one of his arms around me, buried as close to him as I could. I pressed my face against his neck and breathed him in, high on the way that he nuzzled against me, and then groaned lightly when I caught the sharp smell of blood.

Pulling back, I traced my finger across the bloody mark on the other side of Gavin’s neck. _Mine_ , I thought possessively, and _no one else gets to have this with him. Ever._ _No one else gets to know him like this._

And then I promptly remembered the dozen or so people currently sitting downstairs at the dinner table.

Gavin raised his eyebrow at me when I started to laugh quietly. “What?”

I grinned at him. “First of all, every single person downstairs would have felt that mating through the pack bonds,” I told him. “And even if they didn’t, I’m pretty sure they heard every second of it.”

“Good,” he said, rolling on top of me and pushing me onto my back again, letting me feel every inch of him. I smoothed my hands up his sides, wrapped them around his back. “Let them know.”

I snorted. “Dude, that’s my family. My  _ mother _ .”

“I’m not sorry,” Gavin said, and there was just so much naked  _ skin _ that I couldn’t do anything but agree. Even as I took a moment to look forward to the look on his face when he saw Mom next.

We lay there in silence, and I let myself get lost in the connection between us, the bright shining thread that let me into his heart, that would resonate between us forever. He was hungry — he hadn’t eaten, but he shut me up with his mouth on mine every time I suggested we get up for food. He also felt at peace, and incredulous to have it.

This wouldn’t last forever. There was still an enemy to face. But we knew what we were fighting for, and we’d fight for it together.

For now, there was only this. His body warm on mine, his lips gentle on my skin, his heart in my hands and mine in his.

And then, later, whispered in the dark, a promise: “I won’t let anything take you from me again.”

Gavin’s response was in the touch of his hands on my face, in the thoroughness of his kiss, in the fact that he was  _ here,  _ with  _ me _ , he was mine and I was his, my pack, my love, my mate.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic of] Don't Fade Away](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23249725) by [Flowerparrish](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flowerparrish/pseuds/Flowerparrish), [Kh530](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kh530/pseuds/Kh530)




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